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grossed out,

2008-07-11T19:23:00.002+08:00

though I'm posting at LiveJournal (thanks t Jason, I'll always have t type it out in full) now, i know you and your immature friends can see this. someday, or maybe not.

but just. gosh, today I don't give up on you. I'm grossed out by you. gosh.

i've always put s much faith in you, always standing up for what people say about you. but gosh, you're nothing but a piece of shit. yeah, sure, 'brotherhood', my ass. gosh.

no wonder they look at me with this... look everytime. gosh.

look, i'm just someone who doesn't fall out of love with someone easily. i don't need t be with you, yes i'm sure there's someone better. I just don't like comparing. it doesn't mean i'm desperate and i bloody need you so much.

goodness. seriously. i'm so so so grossed out. i'm sure your entire class knows, you know, gosh, i have dignity and pride too. i think you're so so gross. and yes, that's the worse I can get I'm not gonna say any vulgarities, cus you know what? You're so not worth it.

Yeah be happy now, that's what you want isn't it.

Bastard.

You're a bastard.

you know what? it didn't matter whether th feelg was mutual or not, 'cus right now it doesn't matter t me anymore. it sickens me t think tht i once trustd you s much.

i think you really suck.

if i had never talkd t him in th council room perhaps i'd never know and would always be labeled as desperate. but goodness, i don't think i can d anything abt it anym.

yeah, you're "not as good as i think you am", you're much worse.

i think i'm so stupid, i could kill myself.

now i don't think i can ever feel anymre for someone so spineless, oblivious and zomg.

gosh.

i never should have fought for love.
especially for you.

i did more than i did for anyone else, even chuan.

i think i'm stupid, that's all.

rest assured, as much as I can stay out of you and your 'brothers'' way, i will.
i won't appear.

260th,

2008-07-09T20:20:00.001+08:00

and my last.

I'm going to leave everything behind. New LJ isn't locked, but I'll leave you to find that out.

Today I know that you're nothing but a spineless idiot.

It doesn't matter you know, not any more after today, how much they tease, because even in the Council Room today, I laughed it off.

I'm leaving everything behind,

LJ, and loved ones will know where I've went. (:

.Livejournal

2008-07-07T21:39:00.000+08:00

I think I'm moving to Livejournal.

Seven months of memories here, I kinda can't let it go. ]:

And the advertisements.

But LJ is just too tempting.

Name suggestions? Maybe you wouldn't even know where I went.

I won't leave a trace. :p

deadly cut,

2008-07-07T08:51:00.003+08:00

Have an appointment at 11am later for a haircut. Heh, nervous much. Haircuts make me super nervous because I always want to try on new hairstyles and I almost always regret after doing it. Today, despite Nathan's threat of not talking to me (haha), I have decided to go for bangs. Should it need soft straightening, I am going to do it! LAUGHS. I swear I'm a bit crazy, but I get sick of my everyday hairstyle once in a while. Remember that stupid time when I decided to chop my long hair into a bob? I totally cannot understand myself fully.

So now my hair's stuck in this not-long/not-short state, my fringe is getting longer by the day (and more and more ahlianic), I have no choice but to go to a stylist. But (after making friends with Angela, I have become increasingly unlucky, haha) my stylist has decided to quit last month and I'm heading later for someone I completely do not know for his/her first appointment. Let's just hope he's/she's fully awake and will not proceed to shave me completely bald (like my darling Angela hopes for). Gah, pretty bangs please.

Anyway, last night was a spontaneous outing with Angela to the airport for Popeye's because we were both so bored. I successfully caught a bus home but poor Angela had to cab home from Tampines because her MRT / buses stop before 11.30pm. I swear that girl's the best and I love her to bits and microscopic pieces although she keeps cursing me about the hairstylist shaving my entire fringe off, haha. And we're both procrastinating about doing the yao literature assignment, shitzxzx.

I swear I'll be very glad when the WaterColours project is over. Thinking about AIC for the J2 Farewell Assembly, any opinions?

Imma proceed to finish reading my yao analysis and attempt to write a 20-mark CHINESE essay on the freaking story that was published in 1915. Wow, I swear I lead an interesting life, not. And I've been acting weird lately, to B, to Chuan as well as to Sean/Nathan/Randolph. Gah, I swear I'd be okay soon.

And I hate it but my illnesses are coming back. With gastric comes giddiness and diarrhoea, and it's not a good mix! ]: 2.4's next week, and I so can see my Gold in NAPFA slip by me... I am so not athletic after coming to TPJC, I don't know why. No more 9-years-running-Gold! ]:

Suddenly, I can't wait for August 15th's holiday. Not to mention the fireworks display part, which I'm sure I'll catch with some very very very special people/person. :D

I'm going to make this year a good year. I'm going to let God do it for me. [:

/edit:
Not exactly bangs. Look, on the whole, the same.

And Nathan is a life-saver. [: Gah, what would I do without him at this point of time! HAHA. Love!

new dwelling?

2008-07-06T16:05:00.002+08:00

Visited so many houses recently. Suddenly realised that my original home was so, so much treasured by me, a part that I'd never ever forget. Bedok, Kallang, Potong Pasir, Tampines, Toa Payoh, Ubi... None that makes me feel the same. But I think it's a high chance that I'll move within this year. Gosh, I don't think I'd ever get used to living in the East. But yaye, for later wake-up times for school. I think Potong Pasir stands the highest chance, it's pretty enough. Gah, one of the Bedok's houses had two cases of suicide, which seriously freaked me out the entire day. Gosh.

Anyway, I'm procrastinating. Should do more work than this, shit. Going to do zhou ji then finish up my Literature essay. Sent my results to Council already, gosh they kinda suck. But I'm gonna do well for Promos. Very very well. Or I'll kill myself. Really.

Was so lazy to get my butt off to change clothes to have lunch with angel, sorry, I want to see you too. I'm not even wearing contacts today, went to view the freaking houses with my spectacles and 30-hour Famine Camp shirt. Something's really wrong with me, everyday's dreary. But Sandra darling I love you to bits. [: I'm so glad that was cleared up, now I finally know why. [: Love you babe.

Work's getting me down. Especially WaterColours.

Something about you - Corrinne May
I don't know what you do to me but
Everytime I'm with you its a natural high
its like re-discovering Eden
with chocolate-coated rainbows and cotton candy skies
And everytime you look my way
I wish i had the guts to say
There's something in your eyes
Something in your smile
Something in the way you move me
You make me want to sing
Make me want to dance
Make me want to cry
I'm falling in love with you.

here we go again,

2008-07-05T12:57:00.002+08:00

Paramore is making me emo emo emo emo emo.

Suddenly miss honey and sandra love, need t talk.

fel pretty too.

gah, i'm sorry for burdening you baby.

i don't wanna trust anymore, i'm afraid of being used. it's the same thing over, that's why i said the only one i trusted was B, and he broke my trust too.

babybabyily.

and someone please go to the Law Conference w/ me please.

get smart

2008-07-04T20:15:00.004+08:00

Today was dreary. Well, it wasn't that bad actually, just that I'm so super disappointed in myself I could die. I didn't buck up and do well for Mids. One A? One pathetic A JY? Gosh, you've got to do much better than that. And the fact that you got an S as well. Wow.

Promos I'm gonna beat her beat her beat her in all the subjects zomg. I WILL I MUST I CAN.

Anyway, today was actually OK. I got a B for China Studies but it was really bad most of them did better than me anyway and I mugged. Gosh you're such a loser JY. And then there was Chinese oh well oh well oh well and the day was just boring couldn't wait for it to be over. Then I felt so bad I squeezed angel's injury ]: zomg I wince as I think about it now. Sorry x 1000000000 angel. I always do hurtful stuff to you like physically. I remember I kicked you when your ligament was torn or something. Zomg. JY you suck.

I know I'm now blogging in a zomg kinda way but I don't really give a shit.

Was good seeing hon and jer yesterday though. [: And Sandra twice today. [:

Yaye and i just saw th announcement my honey made it t nationals semi-finals woooooots you rock stef.

Catched Get Smart with baby today, bought a new pencil case from Borders (decided for super long between two tin ones on offer (PRETTAYE) and my favourite robot one) and bought earrings from Diva (the saintly people I just saw th prettiest hairtie there and I so can't afford it because I'm so broke it's like only $8 zomg zomg I had t forsake it) and basically i bought two things, catched a movie, ate Pepper lunch and became poor. tsk.

lunch/dinner was good though. MY PEACH TEA WAS DEFINITELY BETTER. And i haven't been t town for a long long time. get smart was funny w/ baby laughing at all th fat people parts tsktsk. and th sean/mom part. HAHAHAHAHA. not bad a show t watch but I think Made of Honor was funnier (zomg i just love that show).

OHOHOH bought cartoon watches for baby and me and we both got th same one th stupid machine cheated me I want th white/pink or white/blue one tskkkkk ]: it's only $2 each though see baby im nice t you yo. HAHAHA.

excited with my new pencil case left my econs new ref notes at baby's with my GC zomg zomg zomg.

basketball training w/ peeps next weds. zomg im so excitedddd i miss th bball peeps s much and huijia was like,
"you come then shoot th ball in then scream when it goes in okay?!?!"haha
and when i told amelia sh's like
"yeah really ah! d that okay!"
zomg you all really think im bimbo isit. I'll rly try nt t scream on weds HAHAHA.

and im s prouda my jamie sh got A for chinese zomg zomg zomg you rockkkkkkk. [:

byebye.
and im so sorry angel zomg ily ily ily. ]:

ily too jerome though lesser than i love angel but you know i'll never leave.
wah shitzxzxzx luh th song is making me emoooooooooooooo. BUT NO IM NOT EMO NOW IM STRONG.

That's what you get - Paramore
No sir, well I don't wanna be the blame, not anymore
It's your turn, so take a seat we're settling the final score
And why do we like to hurt, so much?

I can't decide
You have made it harder just to go on
And why, all the possibilities where I was wrong

That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa

I wonder, how am I supposed to feel when you're not here
Cause I burned every bridge I ever built when you were here
I still try holding onto silly things, I never learn
Oh why, all the possibilities I'm sure you've heard

That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating (beating)
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa

Hey, make your way to me, to me
And I'll always be just so inviting
If I ever start to think straight
This heart will start a riot in me
Let's start, start, hey!

Why do we like to hurt so much?
Oh why do we like to hurt so much?

That's what you get when you let your heart win!
Whoa

That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa

Now I can't trust myself with anything but this
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa

sighsighsigh,

2008-07-03T20:45:00.002+08:00

did you ever really care,
or was it just me?
i didn't realise, i didn't,
that waiting with no expectations was so damn hard.
i didn't realise, i didn't,
that one small text could mean so damn much.
i didn't realise i could,
stop using ass and xl just for you.
i hate it when you just end so abruptly,
and sometimes give me a glimmer of hope.
but i know, i know,
that the day you make this definite,
my world's gna crash,
it's gna tumble down and fall,
and i don't want t face that. ever.
s i'd rather, i'd rather,
watch you from afar,
praying this feeling would g away.
i'd rather, i'd rather,
stop those itchy hands frm txtg s you won't repulse me,
praying something else would distract me.
i'd rather, i'd rather,
hope God speeds up th year,
just s i don't need t wait anymore.
but i'd think s much,
not seeing you at schl feels weird,
i wanna stop missing you
i wanna stop being silly
i wanna stop stalking (HAHA)
and i wanna stop crying fr you.
idk why, sudden bursts of crying starts
and it feels rly stupid,
t shed tears fr one who doesn't even care,
who's probably in love w/ someone else alre.
who doesn't give a shit when his friends bastard you,
who feels that it's all a joke anyway.

well. i don't think it's a joke.
i think i've plummetd s deep into this freakg endless hole,
that i'd never get up.
th hands can never pull me up.
i fear i'm in love, i wanna get out,
but it just makes me smile,
when you freaking smile.
i like your freaking hair.

GAH I FEEL S STUPID IT'S ALL SO BLOODY ONE-SIDED AND I REALISED.
you never did anything at all.
i just fell. for nothing.

God save me.

i'm pregnant!

2008-07-03T20:00:00.002+08:00

Yeah, right.

Baby keeps playing with my 'baby' though. Zzz, lame shit. Haha.

Anyway, goodness, got S for GP. Just 0.something to an E! Then if I get C for China Studies I'd have a flush (?!) A B C D E!!! Grr. ]: Told you today was a bad day. My pencil case spoiled too. ]:

Tomorrow will be good. 'Get Smart' with baby, new pencil case and CSE results. I hope.

GRR I WAS EMO TODAY. ]: Despite being loved very much.
Explains my very un-wordy and disgusting one-liner post.

I told Hon today, that I tried to fall for _ and _, also _, but it never worked out. I just kept falling for B all over again. (Hon thinks that's incredibly sweet, HAHA AWW). I just can't fall for someone elseeee gahhhhhhhhh angry much. And I feel so stalkerish and stupid but I like t see you around and just look at you from afar (HAHAHA SO PATHETIC) but baby would knock me t my senses (sometimes) but i still think he's like darn cute. HAHA.

Chinese lit compre passage got me really emo and my sudden urges t cry at school is coming back. Thank God i saw angel in time smiling t me and stuff. gosh.

it keeps talking about how he loved something but he didn't know why. and until he did. he realised that happiness never came alone but was always coupled with misery. ]: EMO MUCH.

Nan King during CSE got me really emo too. Have never disliked Japanese so much in my life. Why do Chinese get bullied, throughout the darn history. Th worst thing is they're not admitting it.

GP's human rights also got me emo. stupid prison thingy with all the sick minded people.
I'm beginning to dislike human beings, very much.

I used t think that i could never say i loved you because i never knew you that well. I just liked you. But today i guess i'm gonna crush on you for a very very very long time and that's not gna be good. Stupidly, i think i love you.

but stef's downloading fairytale keeps me wishing for my own. (HAHA)

grrr, i don't understand.
there's nothing else left for me to do. ]:

so many so many song lyrics in my head.
byebye.

weary

2008-07-02T19:37:00.002+08:00

I'm such a lazy bitch. I haven't revised Economics, read my new China Studies articles, nor finished my Chinese preparation before class. Great, just great. And I don't like Wednesdays, I don't have lessons with angel at all. ]: But he was so gross today, and you wonder why people don't know. HAHA. Funny much.

Anyway, I don't know. Seeing you hurts. I don't want to see you at school, yet sometimes I look out for you. Zzz. I ha-ha-hate this. Very much. If only I could try falling for someone else.

And you guys are bastards. Seriously. It. Wasn't. Funny.

And Wayne is cute please.
my PM: ♥&i won't cross these roads until you hold my hand,

You can't scare me. I drive a school bus! says:
kay
j♥ says:
?
You can't scare me. I drive a school bus! says:
i'm holding your hand now lets cross
j♥ says:
hahaha, aww.

And right now I'm missing angel. ]:

And I was very very very angry with _ today. Gah. Even I don't wallow so long also! My strength is limited yo. Very very limited.

I know I can't do anything, or expect you to do anything. Shit it.
- buries myself in books.

bye.

screaming

2008-07-01T20:51:00.002+08:00

When your body is just screaming for you to stop, telling you that you can't go on like this anymore, because you'll break down and get yourself hurt. Gah. I'm going to persevere and fight this in my body. Proposal and PW, after WaterColours it's LTC. I hope it's all going to get better, I'm going to catch up on my sleep and live with this lifestyle of mine.

And the bright side of today was I got an A for Mathematics. Despite it being H1, but still. My report card doesn't look that ugly yet. Hopefully. With God's grace this will stay.

I've got no more time / energy to blog my usual long entries. But thank God, thank God, thank God for Angela baby and Chuan. If not for the both of them my days will be so dull and meaningless and I'll really be tiresome everyday. Chuan made me laugh like no tomorrow at the library today, I swear that guy's the ultimate. [: Angela kept me company throughout. [:

I love you two to bits and pieces and microscopic elements.

Byebye, loved ones.
Devotion tomorrow.

harvests? consequences?

2008-06-30T18:13:00.002+08:00

Today, was good and bad.

Morning was full of laughter and smiles (I seriously couldn't stop smiling) because JY passed Chinese Literature! And it wasn't an E or a Sub-Pass, it was a D! A freaking D! (screams yaye) I'm so proud of myself and of my Daddy, He's so faithful. This pass, no matter however trivial it may seem to some, it's really really good enough for me. I've always tried so hard for Chinese Lit. After the paper I thought all my language and literature papers were screwed, but Daddy was so faithful, I had a proper pass. :D And nothing much could bring me down today, because that pass, is just so so magical. I'm going to work so much harder from now on to Promos, just for that B in Chinese Lit. [:

Then during Econs my monthly best friend decided to show itself. ]: Baby was so so so nice, to wash my skirt for me and dry it for me at level two. [: Economics was kinda a emotional roller-coaster, with some exhilarated with wonderful results (Donna and Maddy, you don't know how proud I am for the both of you) and some quite saddened by theirs. But people, please please do not lose faith, do not lose hope, do not lose confidence. It's only Mids, you guys have ten more weeks to pull up your socks, get everything in order, and score for Promos. I know you can. If you ever need power, draw some from me. I'm always here.

Tampines malled with Baby later, had Yoshi and was really really satisfied. [: Got my very very cute notebook and was happy with it. Got candy for the lovely people. Didn't get to see my honey today though! Honey, we still have that hug to hug! And your post-it! Honey didn't call me this morning to collect the post-it. ]: I'm so so so so so excited for Honey, I'm so glad one turned out right. It didn't matter anymore, how wrong mine turned out last night after I saw that, but Honey I'm so so so happy for you. You prove to me, that fairytales still exist. Dearest, the (L) will stand strong, I pray, I hope, I wish. [:

And especially to Jerome, Sean Foo, Chuan:
Jerome, please please please don't lose hope in yourself, no. You're so much more than you think you are, you just have to work a little harder. Don't let this small small failure in your life get you down, dearest, because there's so much more to fight for and so much more to work for. Jerome, please smile, I want that smile back on your face again, so badly.

Sean Foo, my I-love-to-call-you Dodo, don't be silly. You already know it yourself, that we've to face so much, so so many things that we aren't used to in JC. You shouldn't let this bring you down. You are dearest in Daddy's eyes remember? Believe first and receive your miracle. Daddy is preparing your miracle for you, so don't you dare lose hope, lose confidence in yourself, or lose strength. Because it's all in Daddy, and I have some to give too. C'mon, you're better than this. You'll do fine, well, brilliant.

Chuan, gah, I hate Dumbledore/Harry relationship. YOU ARE GROSS TODAY. Face it, you are gross. And eew, today. Laughs. But anyhow, you are always so super duper strong and happy. Stop smiling leh, show you true self can anot? If you aren't happy. I don't know. I just don't want you to be hurt inside. ]: Though I know you're so so so much more stronger than I am, but everyone needs a hand here and there. Thanks for making me smile today, but no thanks for lying to me and making me so worried about you and so guilty. But the painful hits paid it all off. AYE MY HAND STILL TINGLES OKAY, FROM THE PAIN. I suffer pain by inflicting pain on you. HAHAHA. And don't you dare throw away my Post-its! ]: And no you're not evil.

Sorry x 100000 to everyone.
I'm so guilty. For complaining about my B in Econs to so many of you. It was so insensitive. ]: And it was those few lovelys that I complained to. ]: You guys are the best, will always be the best. I was just very very disappointed in myself for the results.

I always believe you guys are so much better. If you, one day, forget that you're good, turn to me. You are so much better than you think you are. I'll always believe that of you. I believe, you're wonderful.

I'm here,
for hugs, kisses, and many many encouragements.
support, smiles, and some JY power.
you'll tide through this, I'm sure,
and I'll be with you throughout the ride.
every. single. one. of. you.

love. muchmuch.

revelation

2008-06-29T22:48:00.002+08:00

Today I realised that I somehow cannot fall for someone else already.
I don't ask for anything much, I just pray you're not in love with someone else already.

If it's true I'll be really really disappointed.
So it's me and my imagination once again, even Chuan was wrong about it.

I hate this.
I. Freaking. Hate. This.

Sometimes I want you so much.

just maybe,

2008-06-29T01:13:00.002+08:00

It surprises me, how weak some men can be. I thought males were supposed to take the upper hand, to be more composed, and to be more clear-headed and less emotionally-affected. Guess I was wrong. Males nowadays are equally worthy of our concern for their emoshit days, and they're over-thinking moments. Well, maybe men aren't as strong as they make out themselves to be.

Then for God's sake, stop being chauvinistic and be truthful to yourself. Else, show your manly side and prove to me that you are not as weak or as vulnerable as what you depict yourself to be now. Sometimes it irks me, that I end up being the one counseling you, telling you to stay sane and rational. It's nothing, I still love you all the same as a friend, but I want you to get a grip on yourself.

Whining doesn't work, not every time.

And isolation at home today worked. Sorry for the un-replied texts, un-picked phone calls, refusal to get my butt out the house, refusal to get my butt off the couch or the bed. I need a total slack day, and this is it. Later (or tomorrow, depends on how you want to look at it) church and studying after that again. Fast, I know, but there's always so much to be done, I don't want to lag behind again.

CG outing, not yet done. SL project, not yet done. WaterColours proposal, not yet done. Harry Potter, not yet finished. Zhou Ji, not yet finished. Blogskin, not yet made. Desktop, not yet revamped. Ink, not yet bought. Life, not yet sorted out.

Whew, seems like you've got a lot on hand, JY.

Yeah, and I've gotta start taking charge of it, and getting some things done.

And for the last time, no, I don't have as many people supporting me every time as you guys think I have, yes I am blessed, but not all who surround me are guys. [: And the next time I hear another guy whine about an illness / complication with their lives, sick of it / screwed up studies, I swear I'm gonna start charging.

Like seriously.

Guys should not whine. Not at all.

Tyvm.

did you know?

2008-06-28T00:59:00.003+08:00

You make me smile even with your smallest of words,
your idiotic actions that I never expected in a guy,
they don't annoy me 'cus I like you all the same,
but it's not the same, you and me,
what will we ever be.
No expectations, I promised, and it will stand strong,
I'll be here, never leaving, always praying,
I'm glad I found you.
I like the way you tease,
the way you never let emotions get into your head,
I like the way I can't find anything specific to tell,
when someone asks me why I like you.
Perhaps this is love/like,
when you cannot find a reason,
why you want to see him,
why he makes you smile,
why bumping into him at school keeps your moods up,
why you don't mind when everyone thinks he's not good enough.
Why you will stand up for him,
when your friends belittle or demean him,
why you will try to prove,
that he's worthy of your love and concern.
Why you can't find any valid reason anyway,
and you think you're being foolish,
yet in the end,
you kinda like the feeling of being silly.

Your texts show nothing but your true self, and I like that,
that you're not good with words
that you're just you.
Don't let that ever change,
because I have faith in you,
and somehow in us.

And I think you'll know, that that was for you. [:

And a million gazillion thank-yous to some of my favorite people on earth:
Chuan. Your texts make me cry, and yes they change the reason for my tears. You never fail to make me feel loved and pick me up again, you never ever gave up hope on me though I always gave up on myself. You never got annoyed by me and my silly insecurities. You never tire of my endless questions about life and why I should live. You never stopped giving me love. I'm so glad God sent you, there couldn't be anyone better. And I really hope you'll never leave.

What is life, whats the use if your killed inside
I'm so glad I found an angel
Someone
Who was there when all my hopes fell

Found this verse interestingly apt, out of the context of the song.

Nathan. For loving me the way I am, for never stopping to make me go aww and make me smile, making me feel that my smile is worth it today because it brightens someone's day. For always reminding me that who I am can be loved, and not constantly trying to change myself to become loved by others. For you never giving up hope on me, even at my darkest hours. For your ever-apt song lyrics that make me see life in a different way. For your power to make me hold on, even for just one more day.
Angela. For never allowing me to die. For texts that show you care so much. For free movies and meltz and that idiotic annoyed face of yours which makes me smile. For the random outings we go for. For being still yet comfortable.

For the well-wishers, support for Mids from you guys, got me through it:
Eunice your texts mean so much, you always remember to care,
Sandra your text surprised me, your power transfered to me,
Randolph your pushing on most of the time,
Sean your trying to strengthen my faith and give me energy,
Charmaine your random text empowered me a little more,
Anna your making me feel so loved and special in Daddy,
Mun your caring text pushing me on for Chinese,
Guoxiang your goodlucks and strengthening of courage and confidence,
Steffi my everlasting honey and your cute texts,
Phileas your randomness, relaxing me for the examinations.

Thank you, so many blessings to be counted.
Heart,
whenever I feel like losing it all, I'm going to think of today.

2008-06-27T00:02:00.001+08:00

love is overrated. and overused.

manifest,

2008-06-26T15:53:00.003+08:00

whatever you are conscious of you will manifest
whatever you proclaim and believe before you see you will receive

Daddy spoke to me today.
I'm sorry Daddy, I've been away far too long.

I'm tired. Like really physically tired, I could go into lalaland, like now.

Shall go rest before waking to study more China Studies. :\ I like studying for CSE! Hee. But time constraint. Then I'd have to watch the Chinese news tonight because my 'A' level oral is tomorrow, shitzxzx. No practice at all can! I'm super scared of the words that're going to come out in the reading passage. Must finish reading all the H1 texts today. Gah! Scary much.

Mood-swinged today after Math paper, sorry angel.

Math was alright, just that I think I lost 2+1 due to carelessness, 3 marks because I'm totally lost for that question, and no more full marks for me. ]: I personally thought the paper was quite easy, I think the school's being nice to us. :\ I think H1 Math is super duper fun please, but I totally hate next year, Pure Math is like, A Math again! GAH. I DO NOT WANT TO DO PURE MATH AGAIN. Oh well, stop whining JY.

Everyone must be enjoying their beauty sleep/having fun now. Except the TSD and CS people. Hee. I can't wait for Mids to end and hardcore studying to begin. :D

Don't wait till the last minute anymore, JY, you know that's not your style.

Do you, do you wanna lose it all? 'Cus this is more than just a dance hall drug,♥

/edit:
who am i kidding. I'm lost again.
although we fail
the cross prevails,
forgiveness stands,
You take me back again
sometimes i wonder
if there isn't God, would I even have believed love existed.
If there wasn't God, where would I be now? Hell?
But I can't choose anything else
what is right.
nothing.
no believing, nothing worth believing in.

nothing.

Daddy I want to find my way back to You now. But I don't know how.
bye,

splinterxzxz

2008-06-25T15:44:00.004+08:00

Overnight studying at airport with baby was fine, but I need to work harder than this. Just finished probability, woke up at 12.30 because I reached home at 7+ and promptly fell asleep. Am going to finish the revision exercises one more time and then find some time to do my TYS. ]: China Studies later tonight / tomorrow with Chuan and Xavier. I've almost finished the readings, and hopefully I can remember the points inside. Gosh.

Supposed to meet Chuan at 2PM but stupid me got a splinter into my foot at 1.35 -.- when I was trying to fold my sheets before I went out to get food and meet him at IMH. ]': Couldn't see angel today, very sad, and my foot hurts like xyz, can't get the splinter out, and now it's still there and hurts like nobody's business when I walk. Gah, my life = sucky. I don't even know how to get it out etc. and it's just stuck there. I'm just hoping it comes out soon. I don't know how to get to school with a splinter in my foot. :\

I'm in love with Popeye's starchy food secretly and baby I'm hinting you that we should go eat sometime soon. HAHA.

Can't wait for Friday, seriously. :\

I realised my class is filled with studious people. When I see my other friends, they totally don't give a shitzxzx about Mids anymore and such but my class is so prepared!! Gosh. I'm so screwed but then again I should feel happy. 08A04 is gonna shine in TP all right! We're gonna get the best scores and such. [:

Study Study Study. ]:
After mids it's gonna be real hardcore studying. Really hardcore.

And I'm sorry everyone, that I agreed to go out with _ on _. I don't know why too, I thought I was in love with someone else already, but when _ is here it's different again. I don't know. And since the B thing is dying down I don't know, _'s presence = !!. So many years. ]:

BBYE.

/edit:
OKAY I MET ANGEL TODAY [: Yes luh you come find me good okay![:
We 'studied' at my void deck, sorry I kept talking to you. HAHA. And my sister thinks Chuan is cute. Laughs. Funny much.

Anyway, aww for the ChompChomp sugarcanezxzx and I bought a Nestle Drumstick for angel too hahahaa we're both pigs.

and.
math. math. math. A. A. A.

No sleeping again.
byebye.
not cheena, but for youuuu:
爱转角以后的街，能不能由我来陪?♥

get yourself straight,

2008-06-24T11:34:00.005+08:00

i took one big step and i looked away

Packing my room now, chopchop finish then I can continue studying China Studies. Dad's buying favorite famous Yio Chu Kang Prata for breakfast (but it's already 11:35, laughs) and today should be a good day! :D Shall blog more later. Study study.

XueQin. :D HAHA.aww.png

Sorted out my MSN this morning, did it as I wanted it to look. Grouped up TPJCians, 08A04ians etc., but am so lazy to group SJCians and Net Mates and Primary School buds etc. Maybe later. HAHA.

later!

/edit:
Whee, my baby is the best. [: We're going overnight studying at airport. :D Cannot wait much. And I'm gonna study super duper hard for my last two papers. REALLY. That's why I'm getting out of the house. GAH.

*twirls around in circles*

I'm sorry I'm so competitive when it comes to studying.
I like studying. Very much.
And no one dislikes doing well. So I like doing well. Very much.
And I'm not trying hard enough.

Gone were the days when teachers called mommy, saying I needed to "stop studying so hard and relax a little". I need to find those days back. It was then I got my 8 As. Now I'm failing. I think.

Byebye. Overnight studying should be productive.

And angel don't always say you're fine and you're used to it 'cus as much as it hurts you when i'm in pain it hurts me too when you are.
as i said and i now revise
i'll always be your happy pill
i'll be your thousand-pain killer
i'll take the pain for myself
and i'd wish all your pain away

<3 style="font-style: italic;">

i.heart.baby<3

2008-06-23T20:28:00.002+08:00

love hurts, but sometimes it's a good hurt

Finally the Chinese Literature paper is over, I dare not say it's been well done (apparently I screwed up quite a lot) but I know with the mighty hands of my Father I will do fine. [: Pens were oily today due to the anointed oil though, heh, but they made me feel as if Daddy was just right beside me (of course I know Daddy's with me everywhere, but it's just, something physical). Anyway, no point looking at the past, as everyone would tell me, so I'd look forward to the Math and China Studies paper and I can say I'm free! (for the time being)

I'm seriously going to study everyday after Mids. Every. Day. And Angel says he's going to too, so is Phileas going to ensure that I'm going to stick to my plan, so there's no running away. [: Quite excited actually, at the thought of revising everyday till I'm so sick of my books and notes because I've got them all in my head (nice feeling, hard to accomplish). Heh, dream on JY.

After Chinese Lit I had canteen Chicken Rice (which wasn't as tasty!) and went to baby's house since she'll be alone all the time till her mother's back. Was going to study Math but we both ended up lazing around (tut tut, she's got Geog tomorrow) and I played lots and lots of Neopets game at her place. [: So we lazed and talked about nothing, I played my BEST TUNE on the piano for her (which she DID NOT appreciate, tsk) and went for dinner (because her stomach was reminding us constantly of its presence). CharKuayTeow (like finally) and Prata at Ubi Eating House (HAHA) and Tea-O is good there, so is CKT. [: Will bus 51 there to eat next time, DIRECT BUS YO! [: Yes luh, your place accessible. HAHA.

China Studies tomorrow, Math Wednesday with Angel, and Thursday Math Friday China Studies and I'm doneeeee and ready to date! (haha, rubbish JY) Balling on Saturday (gosh so excited basketballs make me excited but I so suck at it still, NO HELP FROM TPJC BBALL GIRLS when all you guys do is laugh at my sports bra and call me bimbo. I bet all of you forgot my REAL NAME. May go training with them still! Because no more competition = less PT = more balling = more bonding with team = less stress = JY can join them [:

Heh I miss angel though I just saw him today. (awww) Nevermind, will see him Wednesdayyy.

And I'm truly disgusted by _. Like neither _ nor _. [: CLEAN KAY ME. HAHA. I like the lawyer. M. i. n. e. Mine. [: Cute much cute much and so so so so so sweet please!!!

I'm still intimidated by Chinese Lit. What posessed me to take H2 Chinese?! OK, it's not that bad a subject but when I see what I need to study for As it all just comes down to "I'm gonna be real cheena when I leave", balancing out my English because GP is gonna make my English rock your smelly socks. :D JC's quite fun sometimes, without the scary ahem. I swear when he walked in today half of what I remembered was g. o. n. e. GONE. So I screwed my Literature portion. Dang, JY stop thinking about it, think about Daddy.

Saw Jerald Kng today! This portion dedicated to you kay. SO LONG NEVER SEE YOU ALREADY! I know you're dying for updates on what's happening on my side, will go back to Care soon I miss you guy and I miss the times when you can make me laugh like no tomorrow and watch me cry at Macdonalds, because NOT MANY SEE ME CRY LAH YOU HONOURED FREAK. And you're super kiasu bring so big Olive Oil for what. -.- BARREL LAH BARREL. haha. Love you, beloved child of God. <3

Lazing at Baby's is fun. [: Because there's baby, albeit quite boring at times when she just watches me Neopet. SHE TORTURES HER PET. TSK.

Can't wait for Wednesday/Friday/Saturday. [: This will be the best start to Term 3. I know it. [:

'cus baby when you dream, i'll dream with you♥

no no,

2008-06-22T23:30:00.000+08:00

burning is too mild a word.

after As, I'm going to
use the Chinese Literature books

to wipe shit off my butt.

literally.

wipe shit.

grain, wine, olive oil

2008-06-22T17:25:00.002+08:00

but he saw the twinkling eyes of Jesus

Churched today then fetched mommy home from grandma's. Very very tired, and nothing's going in for Chinese, but I'm gonna put the anointed oil on my eyes, temples and books and yeah, by faith this will all be easier for me. Was touched by God today and so many other things, but I just had to sit next to this annoying Indian woman who kept glaring and tsk-ing me when I was doing nothing. I was already highly annoyed by the level 6 seats. Gah. Main auditorium was not really full, I went to queue since 10.50AM, but sister wanted to go upstairs so ohwell.

Tsk, Benjamin is making me feel guilty about blogging again. Tsk.

Have so much to type but I know I'm running outta time. I really really dread the Chinese Lit paper tomorrow, I've never felt so much hardship studying for one paper before. ]: And somehow I know I won't do well, but that's doubting God. Gah, I shall go pray.

Fel I'm praying.

Love.

KungFu Panda

2008-06-21T17:10:00.002+08:00

One often meets his destiny on the way he took to avoid it

KungFu Panda-ed today with Fav. Pres. Very happy today because I had a good hair day, my mascara and foundation didn't screw up on me, and I'm basically a very happy kid who wants to cut bangs. Anything to get away from that ugly Chinese Lit yellow book (which I brought along with me anyway). I'm really going to b.u.r.n. my textbooks after As, like seriously. B. u. r. n. it. I really spend so much time on Chinese but I can't really figure what goes in and goes out, I can't figure how to do the questions and I'm really freaked. And I'm still left with six readings for China Studies. :\

Have to do my WaterColours proposal later before continuing my Chinese-studying. Gosh. Gosh. Failing Chinese Lit = more dates with ahem for remedials. And baby and I both are scared of that aren't we. Gosh. ]:

Fav. Pres. thinks bangs are ugly. I THINK BANGS ARE H.O.T. and (L). Maybe I'll go cut bangs tomorrow just to annoy him. MUAHA. But my fringe is quite ideal now just that it's too long for school. Gah. Bangs, bangs. But KC cuts bangs ug-laye. I will need a different hairstylist to do the job. We were very random, had MOS, crapped before the movie, and watched the movie and went home after that. [: I'm sucha good girl. Sorry I didn't turn up for Youth. My daddy likes me to have more time at home now. :\

I have this sudden urge to cut bangsssssss, zomg.

My sudden urges always turn out bad, *recall JY's sudden urge to cut short hair*.

Angel keeps going to ChompChomp. I want CharKuayTeow and SugarCane juiceeeeee. ]: No kind soul wanna bring me there. Grr. It's 5.20PM already and I'm still procrastinating. Not a good sign, JY. I have to start doing things soon, and boy, AM I DREADING IT. I want to eat at Indulgz too! ]: JY you're such a glutton (boys don't agree OK you evil bastards).

I realised my holidays were super sad. When everyone else was out holidaying/playing/movieing/partying, I was rotting at home studying. ]: I HATE MY LIFE!!! AND I REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT TO WATCH GET SMART AND PENELOPE. *hinthint* on FRIDAYYYYYY AFTER CHINA STUDIES!

♥when you look me in the eye, I catch a glimpse of heaven

I miss Chuan and Felina I badly want to see them in person. ]:

Kimmy, I don't know if you'd ever get to see this, but yeah, everything is cool, and I really hope it stays that way. I meant everything I said in the message, and I know sometimes you don't even know what is happening, but you're a very strong girl and yes, love much. <3

I WANT TO DO A BLOGGING MARATHON.
HAHA.

I really love my hair today. &Fluffadoodles.
[:

MOVIEMANIA!

2008-06-20T20:10:00.001+08:00

Goshhhh, I just went to check Cathay's website and I saw another movie that I really want to watch! Gah, Friday hurry come!

Penelope and Get Smart

:D Hurry people go catch.

woken up,

2008-06-20T11:35:00.002+08:00

Gah, the exam stress is getting to me again. Although I've been quite pleased with myself making considerable progress in my revision, I know that I won't have enough time to cover my revision as extensively as I want to. And it's getting on my nerves. H1 Chinese Oral is on 27 June (!!), I just went to check SEAB, and I'm freaked. The last time I did Chinese Oral was June 2007! And being in a H2 class doesn't help, we have no practice for oral at all. :\ Now I'm really freaked. Seven more days for me to watch more Chinese news and speak more in Chinese. Gah, JY needs the A in H1 Chinese. ]: It would be quite embarrassing, to say that you're from H2 Chinese and you get a C or worse in your H1 Chinese. -.-

Anyway, I've spent my entire morning finishing my long reading on China's intellectual history and whatnot, and my GP week 4 online articles, as well as the reading on one set of lyrics for Chinese Literature. Highly unproductive, I know, and I'm freaked again. How on earth am I supposed to swallow the two books for Chinese Literature?! I took quite a long time to start for China Studies, but now I've gotten the hang on how to study for it, but now I'm stuck with Chinese. Gosh, JY, why did you ever think of taking such a Chinese-oriented subject combination. I'll never truly understand myself. :|

It's hard, I'm trying to figure out how. Baby thinks I should eliminate some stuff to study if there isn't enough time. But knowing JY, she'll try to cram everything in even if there isn't enough time. Stupid, I know, but I get paranoid and shit even though I know I've studied enough. I haven't even touched on my modern prose yet, I haven't revised for my language paper, all I've been thinking about is my Literature paper. :\ Sheesh. The language paper scares me too, what with my inability to churn out relevant points for the outrageous questions set for the H2 Composition paper, and write fast within the time limit. It'd be God's mighty hand if I pass my Chinese composition, and if I pass my language paper. So I can only pin my hopes on the Literature paper, which involves nothing but memorizing. Then again, the Literature paper only holds a small percentage for Mids. AHH! *runs around in confusion*

On the other hand, I think it's my life's work to annoy people. [: Haha, annoying Yong Don highly amuses me to no end. Chuan's backkkkkkkkk, turns out we've both been looking for each other, and we've both been emo on Monday in the rain. :\ Was going to catch Get Smart with him today, but I NEED TO STUDY MORE so I resisted the temptation. That procrastinator found someone else to watch it with him. ]: Nevermind, KungFu Panda Saturday! :D Next Friday, date me next Friday for Get Smart and 10 promises to my dog! *does the PUH-LEASE thing, which works on Sandra*

Now I feel like eating MacDonald's nuggets.
And KFC Mini Meltz.
And Old Chang Kee Spring Roll.
And Char Kuay Teow.
And Cadbury Chocettes.
And Donut Factory's Double Choc.

Would you be an angel, and get some of them for me? ]:
AND MACDONALDS SHOULD GET SWEET CHILLI BACK! It's atrocious, how they can take my favourite sauce awayyyyy. ]: x 100

Anyway, I really have to get back to Chinese Lit soon, or I'll never be able to finish the two books. :\ But I don't wish to leave the blog because I CAN TYPE IN ENGLISH. Writing in Chinese scares me now. I want to drop to H1 Chinese!!! Then I'll have no more Chinese in J2!!! (Dream on, JY) Now I think J2s scare me. Except Randolph and Sandra.

I'm going to establish my Project LPJ (dodo bird wants to copy me, please) and be that way all the way to Promos. HAHAHA. [: Digressing, I'm extremely hungry now. ]:

Sandra Sweetheart, don't lose hope, I'll be there for you, if you want somebody.

♥It always felt like dreaming, except we always woke up

I don't want to wake up! *stomps feet* Now that you don't give a shit about me anymore, I realised I'm learning not to give a shit about you too. [: Hee. So Yong Don, don't pull the BJ trick on me again (BJ luh BJ), because it's nowhere as effective as my ahem luh ahem. HAHAHA. Got so many substitutes for Ahem also. :D Tsktsk, you player.

ANGEL WE SHOULD GO OUT FOR BREAKFAST INSTEAD. ]:

And random fact: Yong Don lives in Mars, he doesn't know what/where is Chomp Chomp. :\

♥

cupcake kisses,

2008-06-19T19:08:00.002+08:00

ONE LIFE, DO SOMETHING

The slogan that impacted me the most during WorldVision Famine Camp 2008. I always hated my life, truthfully, and felt that even if I lost it, it wouldn't matter much. But since this life has already been given to you by God, why not do something about it? Every tiny action matters and impacts, that's what God whispered to me during camp. I didn't regret going for Famine Camp, as loserish as it was in the end, I felt that it left something in me. The camp did fail to inspire and it didn't really impact our lives, but it left something in me. The Love Loaf that followed me back, gave me a glimmer of hope as to how I couldn't do anything about my life, but how I could help others in the small way that is given to me. As Pastor always said, God will allow you to shine in your own platform that He has handed to you.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Truly, Famine Camp and Felina's message really spoke to me - that I could make an impact (a good one) on someone's life, just one person, but I didn't know it. I let all my past failures put me down, I let what people say about me put me down, and I forgot, that my Daddy looks not at the past. On the cross, Jesus has already taken my past, present and future sins away, if my Daddy is not looking at my past failures, who am I to dwell on them?

I am going to do something big, with this small life of mine.

The Channel U's show, Search for a Singaporean or something that Belinda hosts, was also awesome in inspiring. [: A Big Heart in a Small Country, I liked how the owner of the orphanage put it. And that's what I'm going to strive to be. [:

Anyway, today's Math consultation in the morning was productive, I completed the entire revision exercises and Mr. Chow said I'm going to pass Math for sure! He said if I did the exercise another time I'd get an A. [: I'm going to do it again, after I finish revision for China Studies and Chinese Lit. I can do this! My engine's revving already, but it took three sad weeks to start up. :\

I can't wait for Saturday because it's the only day when I can put down my books for an entire afternoon to watch KungFu Panda and be a hippie at Plaza (-.-). [: I think I have the best Pres in the worlddddddddd. :D

I WANT TO WATCH GET SMART and the Japanese dog movie *hinthint*. Hurry date me people!

Gosh I digress real bad. I was blogging halfway and I went to reply a message at Facebook. -.- Then I realised I haven't finished my blogging. HAHA.

Oh yes, and I think Mr. Chow's super encouraging, unlike ahem, my Chinese teacher who scares me every time I see him. Gah.

OHWELL.
I WANT TO EAT CHAR KUAY TEOW (HAHAHAHAHA). Angela was right about TM not having Char Kuay Teow, shitzxzxzxz.

OKAY BYEBYE LOVE.
♥let me be the only one, to sing you to sleep at night

all these shoulds and should-nots,

2008-06-18T16:19:00.000+08:00

i should probably get back to studying, but I'm here to blog a cheery post (not).
I miss Stef Chuan Jerome Felina terribly. And no one can date me 'cus they're all grounded. ]: No one's online.

Gah.

My Moz's no longer pink because I'm using FF3.0. ]:
I want to fall in love again, because now I've made myself jealous at this pair of lesbians.

I want to get out of this house.

Study. Bye,

actually,

2008-06-18T15:17:00.002+08:00

I thought I felt left out before, like, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't fit in. But then as I scrolled through their blogs, I felt that I didn't miss out. On anything. Perhaps my conscience is telling me something. But I'm glad, I'm glad I'm not part of you. Maybe he was right.

I see no point for people underage to try to drown their sorrows in alcohol. You're underage for a reason, they protect you from alcohol for a reason. Everyone has sorrows - but not everyone chooses to drown them in alcohol and attract attention after that, by vomiting in public and acting crazy, just because you can't get a hold on yourself. Well, seriously. Many drink underage, but not often. They choose to drink it when they have to, and not every single time they see booze. If this is being rational or traditional or backward, then so be it. I am traditional and backward and outdated. If drinking underage is so cool to you, then I'd love to see how you deal with your problems when you're 35. Kill yourself? How smart.

Don't say no one understands your troubles, they're worse than mine. Well, think again. I seriously think mine are worse than yours, but I don't choose to escape from them every single time using drinking to attract attention. If I wanted to end my life, I would do so without a word, because that is when someone really feels despair and disappointment that she can no longer find shelter by telling somebody else, or want to allow someone else to pick her back up.

Well, too many emo-shit posts on my blog. I wonder when I can return to being the normal me again. I wonder. I really wonder.

I don't visit your blog anymore, because I don't want to see anything that might hurt me. I once treasured you as a friend, I once felt pain letting you go, but don't try to act like you care, because you really don't, your life is only filled with him, so don't tell me you hope everything's gonna turn out right one day, you don't really, because to you, what only matters if things turn out right between the two of you. "my biggest regret is knowing you at TPJC", I once thought I'd regret saying that, but so many people told me I'd be much better off without you, that I'd have less problems if I never met you. Perhaps they're right.

I don't really give a shit anymore, to you. I once thought our friendship was so strong, that we knew each other so well after so many years. But suddenly I think it's all a lie. You can return to whom you feel are pitiful enough for your concern and whom are sad enough to drown their sorrows in booze with you. Sorry, I'm not worthy of your (and your company's) concern. So don't try to act like you care every time Chuan texts you telling you I'm not OK, and that I need you. Because you don't give a shit, do you, you think Chuan's being overly-concerned. You never believe that something bad might happen to me. Well, good. Yes I'm alive and kicking, I hope that pleases you.

Fe, I miss you tons. I want to hear from you and I want to give you strength to let you start believing again, even though I don't anymore. I want you to live, to live a life so much better than mine. I love you.

Monkey, thanks for telling me my friends here matter more and care more. Thanks for trying to cheer me up. Sorry for not worrying with you about Fe the other day. I felt terribly lost.

Sandra, babe I miss you. Thanks for always being there.

Baby, you're the best. You're one in a million and I found you. I love you.

Eew, thanks for always trying to put a smile on my face. Thanks for wanting to stuff muffins into my mouth. Thanks for letting me talk loudly. Thanks for everything.
You're truly a friend who loves me for who I am, and wouldn't want me to change for anything else. I love you. [:

I hope Chuan's all right, he should be.

G'bye, world.

EEW

2008-06-17T22:36:00.002+08:00

you just made my day a little better
you make my days a little brighter
you make me smile a little happier
you make me laugh a little more,

i love you eew. [:
i really do.

i miss you lots lots, can't wait for KungFu Panda.
&you make me feel that guys are less of a bastard with the things you do (albeit the fact that you're not a guy most of the time, but yeah)

Love,
and it's amazing, whom God puts with me through all these.

i'm sorry felina,

2008-06-16T23:38:00.004+08:00

i've stopped believing too,
it's a time like now that i realise

it's all fucking unreal
it's all a lie
it all doesn't matter,

congratulations, you successfully made me say the fuck word the second time in my life.

i want t run away.

As I sift and drift through bullshit,
That plagues from day to day,
Would you ever really notice I've gone away?

CHORUS

I'm over the wall,
Over the hill,
Over at your place,
I'm over the safetys,
Over the phone calls,
Over the rage,
What a mistake.

When you've lost the stones to throw,
The ones I found to make a fire,
And all the lonely souls that say so get fired.

CHORUS

What a mistake,
What a mistake,
What a mistake,
What a mistake,

I've never been lost,
I've never been found,
And it make no difference, if I'm around,
There's never been words, there's never been actions
I've never been promises that i've never kept.

for th last time,

2008-06-13T23:57:00.003+08:00

no i'm not with chuan.
no i'm not with randolph.

we're just friends, i like neither of them.
i g t Track 'cus I like t see them run (stef&Chuan).

aiyoh.

i'm faithful kay.
only like one.

byebye. famine camp [:

sorry.

2008-06-12T12:58:00.003+08:00

I'm sorry for making you guys worry. I'm back let you guys stop worrying.

Thank you, for trying t b thr fr me no matter what. But somehow it feels as if I've been numbd t living in this world o mine, and i know now you guys know it's much worse than you imagind it, under this smile o mine.

but it's ok.

"give me a chance t know you, give me a chance t love you, give me a chance t change your life. JY I love you."
I do too. Love you back. But n one will ever knw me, nor change this life of mine. God put you here w/ me for a reason, and I think this message proves it all.

"what d you expect me t d, when you don't even wna tell me anything?"
"give up on me."
"i won't."
You DODO BIRD, it's small but it meant s much t me. I kept askg you t give up on me, and kept sayg that you would. but tht showd me s much. those two words. Dodo, and I'm sure _ will love your new haircut. :X I hope putting trust in you won't prove me wrong, I hope I don't fall th hard way. Dodo, you shld stop procrastinating/watchg soccer/talkg t girls/playg your guitar/playg your piano/playg your psp/playg halo 'cus you shld start studyg.

wh said guys were unfeelg creatures. these two proved me wrong.
so did th others.
"no you won't lose it all"/"we all want t help you"/"everything will b alright"
thank you, R.

Sandra Sweetheart, I will forever rmbr your Skittles.
Jerome Monkey, your support... never ever fails t touch me.

I love all of you t bits.
But I just can't bring myself t open up anym.
T open up t you and tell you all that's troublg me deep down inside.

I can't.
I'm sorry.

/edit:
i didn't know you botherd t read my blog. but your lyrics cheerd me up. aft all tht happend tdy.
"i'll b thr when your heart stops beatg
i'll b thr when your last breath's taken
in th dark when thr's no one listeng"

"you're on my hands now and i won't let g
not till you've promised t hold on"
i rmbr. i alws will.
thank you, N.

t you.
i thought back on whatever i have said t Sandra and whrevr i could've been
wrg.
i can only think o one thing tht i might've phrasd in th wrong way or could
hv misinterpretd.
and for tht, i'm rly sry.
tht's when i misinterpretd what i heard. o him alws findg excuses like
"sh's jst a friend," nt tht he rly said tht tht day,
other than tht, don't try t tell me abt lyg.
i didn't lie t you, i kept it frm you 'cus if th girl was you ntg would've
matterd
no situation would b aggravatd.
s yeah, now i'm in th wrong now? on both sides?
someone calls me t confront me fr smth i've nvr done,
someone else calls me a liar.
wow, and i thought you were a friend.
i nvr lied t you. get tht clear. i nvr.
since when was evt in your favor? you could lie t me and i couldn't.
i'm tired. they've askd me umpteen times why i allow myself t get
hurt.
i didn't want t, i didn't want t get involvd, now i am, fr n reason.
and all you can think abt is protectg him.
yeah, wow, what a good friend i've made.
i regret.
i regret trustg ppl wh shouldn't b trustd.
i regretd wantg t learn th hard way.
it hurt s bad,
t hear someone callg me, talkg t me like i was a criminal
confrontg me, askg me whr i was,
askg me why i said this, why i said that
when i nvr, i nvr talkd t you fr a long time.
you can deny it, you can say anything you want,
but think abt it, you've given up s many friendships fr one,
and i don't think it's wrong,
i just think that you're ... idk.
your eyes, thr's only him,
and this is one friend i don't wna have.
'cus it's all abt you, you realise if we talk, it alws ends up being about
you and him,
friends don't let friends get hurt,
friends don't let everything be about themselves.
you can deny it, but more and more are giving up on you
when we don't want t, we love you s much
but you don't love us as we do.
i can sense it frm your texts,
i can sense it frm your words,
nothing is sincere anym,
nothing is true.
don't tell me it's cus you're scard o me,
don't tell me you're pressured,
you're scard cus you knw im rgt sometimes,
and you don't wna knw th truth.
t tell you smth, true friends only tell you th truth,
and when i see you fallg int a pit, i cant nt pull you up,
but i become th bad one instd, because you wna fall int it.
s i let you.
i let you.
but it doesn't mean you can hurt me back in th end.
and stay in th pit.

i give up.
it's all my fault.
it's all my fault.
tell that t him, and t yourself.
it's all jiaying's fault, and n others'.
it's my fault.

pop

2008-06-12T00:49:00.001+08:00

tonight i want t give it all away,
i want t give it all up
i want t sleep and not wake up,
i want t give it all up

i want t stop being strong,
i want t stop explaining
i want t stop doubting God,
but i can't find alternatives

i want t cover my ears,
i want t cover my eyes
i want t cover myself,
from everything that's gonna hurt

i want t stop pause move life backwards,
i want t wish i'd never been born
i want t stop smiling
because i know it's all a mask

don't tell me it's okay,
don't tell me it's all right
don't try t tell me you know how i feel,
because it's not

i know i've got t live with it,
i know all th bloody bullshit
i want t run away,
and never come back

i want a one-way ticket,
t somewhere else
i want t lose myself,
and never wake up

i want t b annoying,
i want t throw a bitch fit
but deep down inside,
i know nothing ever heals

i know it doesn't help,
i know it never will
i know there is support,
but there is nothing enough

t fill this hole in my heart,
that's been empty for too long
it's eroding away th good parts,
and someday thr won't be any left

and i know that someday will come,
sooner or later
no one can stop it,
no one can slow it down

don't tell me thr are people worse off,
don't tell me thr are better days
'cus you know that's all bullshit,
you're just trying t make me feel better

you say that because you don't understand,
and frankly i don't blame you
who would?

if you lived a life like mine
i could be better,
be better
there are worse than me,
but everyone's threshold is different

and i've frankly had enough
i'm tired, i'm tired,
of everything
i want t give up this life,
i want t give up

i'm hypocritical,
t tell you that life is precious and you don't give up,
that thr's s much more t live for,
but stms they all don't count anym

what determines 'worth living for',
faith faith is all i have
what if i lose it,
then do i lose it all

stms i pray s hard,
for someone with a loving hand
t scoop me up like Superman,
t whisper in my ear

Lord I've been waitg
i know You're preparing my miracle,
but right now i want t stop

i want t throw it away
i want t stop waiting
i want t be impatient
i want t b a bad kid
'cus i've been good for far too long

i want t stop being rational
i want t stop being understanding
i want t stop being filial
i want t stop being old

i want t b just like her
immature, uncaring, selfish
i want t b just like her
t have th world revolve around myself

i want t stop caring about others
more than i care about myself
i want t stop loving
i want t stop it

maybe you should all
all just give up on me
just like how i'm giving up on myself
because it's not rly worth it

t hold on anym
t hold on strong
t believe smth's good gna happen
t think my life's gna change
t think im working hard all for a reason
t think someday i'll lead a life like others'
call me stupid
call me foolish
but you don't know me
you don't

if it were all so easy
if after i let it out it'll all be fine
if only
if only my Daddy would come

if only i'd stop
if only i'd not watch the news
if only i'd not think
if only i'd not feel

i'd fall,
i'd fall,
and never get up

i want t
s now i'm gonna try
t free-fall without anyone,
without anyone
who'd catch my fall

let th tears fall
'cus they don't matter anymore,
someday they'd dry
and no more would fall

let me catch myself,
let me find myself
though i might never succeed
but i think i'll live

'cus i have no other choice
even when i'm falling i can't think o myself,
i've s many t think abt,
i can't even fall away

they say i fall and bounce back up
well the energy's gone
just like a dead battery
i'll bleed and die and never be reused

i'd be thrown and forgotten and never polished
i'd be fine, somewhere out there
you guys would move on
you'd be glad you gave up on me

i hate all the bloody excuses
everyone is trying t give t me,
i hate being dissatisfied
i hate being grouchy,
i hate th bloody excuses,
stop giving them t me
cus you know i know that i'd see right through it
you know i know that you're taking th easy way out

i'm tired,
i am
i want t stop giving in
i want t b selfish

i want t stop
i want t stop
i want t stop
i want t stop this life of mine
forever

forget it,
you'll never get me
i don't even get myself,
because i'm a goner
and no one can pull me back up

you're right,
i gave up on myself
i don't see any other alternative,
this one's th best

because drawing strength
sucks.
frankly.
honestly.

strength gets used up
tears get dried up
th heart gives up.

and once it does, it never returns th same anym.

Isolation

2008-06-09T00:15:00.003+08:00

I wanna send myself into isolation for this week.

I wish I was a released helium balloon.

Take me away with You, Lord.
Times like this, I don't wanna be strong.

Gah, disappear jy disappear.
<3

Birthdates.

2008-06-08T12:35:00.003+08:00

I'm so bad at remembering birthdays, like seriously. ]: Sorry Glor.

Anyway, woke up super early today, and I'm earlier for church luh please you stupid Sean. And he didn't chop a seat with a hot guy next to me! But I saw a super cute RSM server at Door 4 please. Goodness. :] Church was OK today, it was Pastor Mark and he sort of shared his life story with us. Super amusing and cute pastor, makes me have an urge to bring daddy to Fathers' Day service next week (Mandarin service). :D Gah! OHSHIT. Famine Camp's next week. Sobs. ]:

Yong Don PS-ed me, just because I'm not ahem! ]: So we didn't go to Viv nor for lunch in the end, and he now owes me two Donut Factory doughnuts (let you off so easily lor please). My schedule is so packed and I make a time and he watches soccer and is too tired to go window-shopping. HA. i think it's better, I'll miss the great SALE signs on the window-panes during GSS and I'll not be tempted to buy anything! Ha! :]

Have to miss service next week! ]:
And my time's not here yet. I'm not eligible to serve anymore for the Rock Kidz because they now require those who are 18 and above. ]: Never mind, I'll wait, I know Daddy will use me in another way at church!! :D

I'm super hungry now please. ]:
Since I'm not out shopping today I shall be productive and do some work. I have two pimples on my face. ]: I smell nice today. [: I miss Sandra. Oh girl, I have Council Meeting tomorrow. HOW!! My texts are always bursting now (due to my smart daddy) and I'm so deprived. ]: I'm so bored of being online. I'm craving for double choc from Donut Factory. I'm craving for Salmon Sushi from Vivomart (gah, all because of stupid YD). BAH.

No one's home! Sister's serving, mommy's going to the hairdressers'.
]:
Sad life. Bye.

//
I miss talking to you too. :] You know who you are. And you put too many smileys now. HAHA.

//
Oh babes.
Pictures of chalet up already. Can save them from Photobucket!
LINK: http://s303.photobucket.com/albums/nn154/lightningstarbursts/

love!

angelllll.

2008-06-07T22:29:00.002+08:00

"I don't <3 you anymore. =)"
"Why! ]:"
"Cause I don't want you to feel sad if I'm gone."
"And other people will still say 'I love you' to you."

I don't want other people luh! ]: Angel doesn't love me anymore! ]:
Our houses are an MRT station away OK you silly I'll train down to Punggol to see you once in a while to make sure you're all right. And you will be. Angel says maybe one day he won't want to love me anymore. ]:

Sigh. I think Jer's coming back today. (yaye!) I miss my monkey.

"choose compassion, study'g at th stadium, bimbotic antics, laugh'g s hard till we got tired, motivational texts, breaks together, lanyards, I miss that girl too, that one who hates my camera&polaroid cos she claims they don't make her pretty but insisted on keep'g her photo in my camera so I'd remember her. I'm sorry things had t turn out this way, I'm sorry keeping things fr you cos of that expression made us lose it all. Giv'g up isn't what you'd d, I hope you'd rly be happier."

Yeah girl I miss you too. Loads.
But sometimes I don't know how to face you again, how to look at you the same way again.

Well, about the BJ thing, I think this time I'm giving up for good. Because they say they've never seen me unhappy for so long before, not smiling sincerely for so long before, and it was all because of him. And I never even had a line of "I like you" before from him. So I was being silly. And I've seen the light. As Honey says, "before you fall for him, wait for him to say I like you to you first". Yeah, he taught me a good lesson, and I will wait for it the next time.

But I'd rather March back, when we were not bothered by guys.

But I really loved you as a friend, a lot a lot.

<3

MY MNKY'S BACKKKKK :]
GOSH I MISS THAT MAN :]

And I may miss BJ at times. But it's getting better, this giving up thing. :]

Maybe it's the thrill of getting courted. HAHAHA. :]
Players make you have the BEST thrill for the shortest time and then let you free fall.
Liking someone makes you have the WORST life for the longest time and then you still don't know what happens next.

Which would you choose? ]:

I want angel back ]:
I want t g out with Jer and Stef. ]:
I want t see Fel. ]:

Yong Don's being a bastard and not updating me about church tmrw.
Bye.

oh, my soul cries out

2008-06-07T12:41:00.002+08:00

Wanted to be lazy and skip Youth Service today. But I was listening to iTunes while doing Math and again Corrinne May's Five Loaves and Two Fishes hit me. Then the next song was Hillsong United - From the Inside Out touched me even more. Sometimes I wonder why I put anything else before my Daddy. ]:

I've been procrastinating. I haven't been working as hard as I should be. And I'm afraid, I'm really afraid. But I can't bring myself to work as hard. Woke up to try to do my Chinese weekly diary and practice some Math, but I only did a few questions on Probability (which I, truthfully, suck at) and checked my words on yesterday's essay. I really need to do more than this. And I'm getting stuck at so many Probability questions. I'm actually quite useless.

But I shan't doubt my Daddy anymore. I think I'm drawing from my own strength, again, that's why I feel so useless when I try to start studying and I'm not studying properly. Gosh. ]:

Chorus of Corrinne May's Five Loaves and Two Fishes should touch any Christian:
Take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as You will
I surrender
Take my fears and my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions,
You can use it all
To feed them all
I hope it's not too small
You can use it all

*
Hillsong United - From the Inside Out
A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

Will go down for Youth Service today. :] Will ignore theme though, mighty funny. HA. Can't wait for tomorrow too, Pastor Mark is preaching. I feel so lost because I missed church last week. I want to go to church, I want to go to church. :] I want to feel Daddy's presence in my life again.

Next week, I'll be going for Famine Camp by World Vision. After I joined I realized World Vision was a Christian organisation! :] God's miracles. I have never known, but I had such an urge to join the Famine Camp once I saw it. And I once thought I'd missed the dateline, my gastric would stop me from joining it, but Daddy let me join it, there must have been a reason.

And I want to be different.

I want to let Daddy do what He wants with me. I know He has a plan for me, and I want to shine is the platform He has handed me. As Anna said, I'm at TPJC for a reason, I'm in Council for a reason. :] I know I will be a renewed person after this weekend of sermons.

I know I will.

//
I don't want to miss you. Because I won't fall for you. I won't.

TOP 10 THINGS TO DO IN 2008

2008-06-06T20:46:00.002+08:00

I wanna...
#1. buy sparklers and play them while swinging
#2. walk in the rain
#3. sit on the Singapore Flyer at night
#4. take the cable car to Sentosa
#5. watch fireworks this National Day
#6. sit by the sea and watch the sunset
#7. sit outside Vivocity and watch the clouds roll by
#8. get ten helium balloons and let them go on an open field
#9. fly a kite
#10. watch stars at an open field till the next morning comes

:]
Ah, can't wait, can't wait.
HURRY DATE ME LUH PEOPLE. KUAI DIAN.

Get some work done

2008-06-06T12:09:00.002+08:00

It's time I got some work done, like seriously.

Today kicked off well, our Project Work meeting was quite fruitful as we discussed quite a lot and devised some questions for our survey questionnaires. :] I saw Chuan at the track and I saw him run the 400m sprint! LAUGHS. :] I like stalking people. (Muahahaha) Anyway, saw Derry on the way back. Long long time since I last saw him. :] Glad to see him actually. Thanks for saying Hi so loudly because I was listening to holy songs. HAHA.

Anyway, people people people. Listen to me! Stop sending concerned texts! Listen to me!
I'm fine. :]
Maybe I'm hurting a little inside, but I'm OK. I'm OK, really.

Why I gave up? Even though it hurt? Well. I asked myself something yesterday. So what if he said yes? So what if we were together? Maybe I couldn't make him happy or his life better in any way. So what's the point? Of intruding into someone else's life and becoming a burden, a problem. If I wanted to go into his life I would want to be sure that I'd make him happier, his life better, and that our relationship would be good and motivating, somehow. But I couldn't see the point anymore, making him stressed and confused and straining the entire friendship. Maybe I've really seen the light, maybe I don't want it anymore. Maybe I should let myself be loved than love someone else. Just maybe. If it all worked and we were together and then we realise, wow, there's no big deal about being together then... what for? I don't know.

I'm strong people, don't doubt me. Only angel can doubt me. HAHA.
But don't, I'm really strong.

Caught What Happens in Vegas yesterday because Sweetheart said it was so super nice. Baby and I both thought the same thing: that this one was sweeter and more rubbishy while Made of Honor is definitely funnier. Much much funnier. FUNNY!!! I want to watch it again! :/ But I cried during What Happens in Vegas, probably because I wasn't wearing mascara that day. HA. The tears just flowed. IDK, maybe I'm waiting for my own fairytale.

Well, what I can say is: BEST HUGGER YOU'D LIKE TO HEAR
I HAVEN'T GIVEN UP ON LOVE! I still believe in it. I hope my babes still do too. :] Because we're all so young and it's too early to give up on love. I still believe this hot tall dashing athletic rich man would sweep me off my feet and stay faithful to me forever. HAHAHA. Not. As I said, I believe all men are bastards, just the extent of it. Large or small. :]
&I'm glad I know some of the world's men who have the smallest extent of bastardy in them ever. :]

I MISS ALL MY GIRLFRIENDS SO MUCH! Supposed to be out with Dee today, but no cash no cash. ]: I'm so so broke, but it's OK. HAHA. Next year's GSS I'll be rich. Hmph.

I want to relish getting courted. :] And not get branded by "going after some J2 guy". :]

Gareth Gates - Too Serious Too Soon
I wonder where you are
I wonder what you're thinking about tonight
I wonder
Maybe you're alone
Maybe you've been crying just like me
I wonder
I don't know why I lost your touch
Maybe I wanted to be loved too much

Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me
I wanted to be there for you like no one else before
Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me

It's been a rainy afternoon
Now I'm taring at the moon
Thinking we got too serious, too soon

I told you every day
I told you every night in every way
I love you

Maybe you got scared
Maybe I had nothing else to say
But I love you
So baby now my life's a mess
Cause I
I couldn't love you any less

Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me
I wanted to be there for you like no one else before
Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me

It's been a rainy afternoon
Now I'm staring at the moon
Thinking we got too serious, too soon

Too soon
It's not right
It's not fair
It's in you baby cuts like a knife
what if you were the love of my life

Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me
I wanted to be there for you like no one else before
Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me

we got too serious to soon
I wanted to be there for you like no one else before
too serious too soon
I wanted you to love me

It's been a rainy afternoon
Now I'm staring at the moon
Thinking we got too serious, too soon

VIVOCITYYYYY

2008-06-05T18:44:00.004+08:00

Viv with baby today. I miss that place. Nice sitting with her at the harbour today. Love. Thanks for the movie.

I don't know what to say anymore. I'm sick of everything, and I shouldn't be. Jerome says that I'm the strongest around here, and I need to look after angel, honey and pretty girl. I can. I can.

]: I feel so silly.
I'm giving up on you. I feel idk.
SO MUCH FOR WAITING. HAHAHA.
But everyone wants me to give up before I fall in too deep.
Yong Don slapped me awake. I always remember what he said, I just denied it.
"So if he said yes, you were gonna pounce on him?" (WAH SUCKER LUH THAT GUY)

Then I realised. Yeah, what if he said yes? I didn't know if I still wanted it anymore.

Maybe I don't. And I think he'd be glad to see this.

&The carebears make me smile. Thanks guys.
<3

/edit:
"You're like the strongest around here. Like ultraolympian."
"It's as if God sent you as an angel for us. You always make everyone feel better."

Your Imissyou sounds better than anyone else's.

Fel, maybe I really am strong. But I've totally seen the light today. No point anymore. You can be too, yes. Fel, I have faith in you. Love.

Yong Don has fallen into a never ending sleep. -.- laughs.

Christian Bautista - Everything You Do
I love the way you smile when i look in your eyes.
I love the way you laugh when i try to be funny.
And how the tears roll down your face when i say no one could ever take your
Place.

Cause baby when you sleep, i watch you breathing.
And baby when you dream, i dream with you.
Cause everywhere you are is where i wanna be, it's true.
Everything you do makes me know how much i love you.

The way you touch my lips right after every kiss,
And softly whisper that i'm your everything.
The way you pray our love wont die
Every night just before you close your eyes.

Cause baby when you sleep, i watch you breathing.
And baby when you dream, i dream with you.
Cause everywhere you are is where i wanna be, it's true.
Everything you do makes me know how much i love you.

I believe some things were meant to be.
As sure as there is love, yours is meant for me.

Cause baby when you sleep, i watch you breathing.
And baby when you dream, i dream with you.
Cause everywhere you are is where i wanna be, it's true
Everything you do makes me know how much...

Cause baby when you sleep, i watch you breathing.
And baby when you dream, i dream with you.
Cause everywhere you are is where i wanna be, it's true
Everything you do makes me know how much i love you.

blessed, blessed

2008-06-04T22:43:00.008+08:00

I think I'm like so blessed yet I don't know it. Sorry people. I think I'm so loved I can hardly complain about my no-money life. :] I love so many people, and they brighten up my day so much. I'm so in love with my friends and everyone around me, because they remember all the little things I say and all the things I do. :] Aww, I'm sorry I'm always so discontented with my life, I'm sorry I always say I want to 'sleep and not wake up', I'm sorry I always say you guys are bastards (although you really are ;]) and I'm sorry for always throwing tantrums.

I'm sorry. I think God has really blessed me with so many good people. The Council Chalet today made me talk more to Kevin (Peach Tea guy!), Eunice (super cute watching TV), catching up with Clarissa, talking more to Felina, Gloria, Jerome, Steffi the honey, Nixon, Rachit, Yong Don... and so many more people :] I really appreciate the time spent with you guys. :]

Honey thinks she's highly talented in taking artistic pictures, insists this is nice. :]

I<3Honey

Monkey crap-a-lot :]

<3 <3 <3

Today started off good with meeting Baby, Chuan and Honey in the morning. :] Then met with Jerome who made me laugh all the way in the 81 bus till we reached Tampines to find Fel and Stef :], then waited for Stef and went around to T-Mart (yes, twice in a day) Macs to have lunch because Jerome was hungry! Stef treated me and then demanded me to return her $4.50 (tsk), but I didn't in the end. HA. :] Then bus-ed to Downtown East, got ourselves into the wrong chalet at the cost of $4.00 (can sit one Carebear Tram ride plus $1.00 change hor), and met Dickson who kindly showed us the way to the chalet. :]

I was trying to be low-profile and emotional in the corner. But I talked to them in the end anyway. :/ FAILED.

One of the gazillion pictures we took in the room :] Pretty babes with me.

We hung around at the second floor till 6.30PM or thereabout, then went for my freaking cool CAREBEAR FILLED DAY! :] I'm a happy kid because today was so so Carebear! :] Went to sit for the Carebear Meet-&-Greet Session at the Foyer, us being the first 50 we received the coupon for Photo-Taking with the Carebears! :] We went wild (cheap thrill clubbing with kids) and really screamed to whatever the emcee asked. Took the picture with Carebear, danced, followed the actions. Went to sit the $3 Tram :] which was really pretty, entire castle of Carebear, three rounds on this really pretty purple/pink tram. :] There were buttons for sounds, humps, and really pretty 'scenery'. Pictures pictures up. Made us really happy and cheered up our day. Spent one hour plus plus plus there. :] And before I went texts from angel made me so so so touched. :] IMY too angel, always always.

Gosh I actually have eyelashes! They can be seen! LAUGHS. Mascara-wonder :/

Three of my favorite girls in Council. Missing: Clarissa/Jerome

Me exhilarated because I got a photo-taking pass with Carebears :]

Pink&Purple one came, how wonderful! :] Missing Glor, so sad!

Tram ride which costs $3. Have lotsa pictures and it's really pretty!

Inside the pink cabin :] Honey&I were in the purple!

Went back to join the Barbecue, and I only ate one fish ball because I wanted to puke the entire day. Sorry babies, I know I shouldn't have skipped medicine then went to run then have not enough sleep then not eat much the entire day, but SORRY. I'm fine now. :] Ate my medicine diligently after I reached home. Anyway, slacked around, screamed because while slacking around during dinner/supper whatever I had two surprises. :] TWO CAREBEAR PLUSHIES IN ONE DAY :]

I can't believe you remembered! :]
I can't believe you remembered I like the one with the rainbow on the tummy.
I can't believe you remembered you promised the largest one and said sorry when the largest one didn't have rainbows on the tummy, so you didn't get it.
I can't believe you remembered that you promised me to get one.
I can't believe you got one for me. :]
And I feel so bad now, taking the plushies from both of you. :/

I only say say, never expected you all to really buy it for me. Gosh.

I'm not trying to make you girls jealous luh (babes) but I FEEL SO BLESSED. :D The carebears have taken the place of my 4-year-old Tigger and 5-year-old Piglet on my bed. :] &babes, stay strong. You girls know I'll always be a text/call/IM away whenever you need me. :] Stalker, bastard-shit, suicidal thoughts. Whatever. Let me know, I'll be there. :] Really. Lovelies made my day so so so much better today! :]

Daddy&Uncle fetched me from Downtown East (could this day get any better?!); Babes waited for Daddy with me :] Lightsticks in the car. So sad didn't get to play with Sparklers and love.

My two new babies :]

I LOVE THE BOTH OF YOU THE MOST LUH. :] Especially my Eew. :]
And yes you're not a bastard, but you still didn't reply my texts after that. Just because I'm not ahem. Tsk. ]:

:]
I'm loved.
♥

And I'm truly a: !♥HAPPYKID tonight.
Thanks, if you've contributed. :]

Movie with Baby tomorrow, she's treating. :] See, told you I'm blessed. SHE OFFERED OK. Because she thinks I have no money in my wallet. :]

&thank you for today.
Thank you for making me feel like a kid again, thank you for making me remember how it's like to be exhilaratingly happy and forget about all my worries for a while, to remember the feeling of getting something unexpected then feeling so happy and blessed about it. Thank you for letting me go wild with the kids during the meet&greet today, doing with me all that others wouldn't have done with me, embarrassing much in front of the parents/kids/emcees, thank you for letting me have fun.

Thank you. Really.

baby, can i hold you tonight?

2008-06-04T12:27:00.003+08:00

Overwhelming feelings when I saw Pretty Girl today on the way to T-Mart with baby. I'm so so so glad to see her well and going to school, yet I could see something in her eyes. I don't know what it was - isolation, sorrow, hopelessness? I felt like she gave up hope. In her eyes. And I don't want it to be so. Going to look her up before chalet later with Jerome and Honey. :] All the pretty people are going to chalet together. :X (OK, pardon me :])

Anyway, glad to see angel and honey today during Track. But I know I was extra there so I left earlier to meet baby. :] Post-its for all the dearests while waiting for baby today. They're small and pretty! Left angel and honey's in their bags while they were at track (I know, so sweet right, aww) and passed baby hers during breakfast. Breakfast was a laughing fest with her. :] Laughed till we were super duper full. Baby looked so tired today -.-. I am worse!! I slept at 3+am yesterday and woke at 6.30am today. :/ Gosh, I think I'm going to die of exhaustion soon. Real soon. :/

Bringing daddy's camera later, I hope I take lots of pictures. :] Daddy thinks my FBTs are too short! :/ But I'm gonna wear them down anyway. HAHA. Random addition.

Yong Don is a liar.
(hahahaha)

Whatever it is, I hope I have fun later with the people. :] Then I am dated tomorrow with Baby in the afternoon, dating with Dee on Friday, with Youth on Saturday and Church on Sunday, making a window-shopping spree if the idiot asks properly (oops :]). After this week I'm going to isolate myself from the rest of the world and start studying for Mids. I already screwed up my GP, can't afford to screw up anything else. I think my As/Bs for Econs is already gone, so I'll have to pin hopes on the rest of the subjects left. ]: I will pull through, I will pull through.

Have to pack and go out soon. :/
So, so tired with life. I want to ask you about it, but I don't know how. It's like a friendship gone, I don't even say hi when I see you around because I'm so afraid of what you said to me that day. I don't know what I did to you, you never told me, but I hope it isn't that bad. I don't know, I'm really scared. But Pres and YD says no need to worry so I'll set it aside, for now. Ah, I don't know!!!

<3 style="font-style: italic;">At the cross I bow my knee
where Your blood was shed for me
there's no greater love than this.

*

Would you believe me would you listen if I told you that
there is a love that makes a way and never holds you back
so won't you break free won't you break free
get up and dance in His love

There's no escaping the truth
there's no mistaking it's You
God forever, we'll get up and dance, get up and dance and praise You!

There's no escaping Your light
There's no mistaking Your love
God forever, we'll get up and dance, get up and dance and praise You!

I'm hooked. To the everlasting love of Daddy.
:]

/edit (12:45PM):
GET WELL SOON SANDRA SWEETHEART :]
DATE ME OUT SOON!!!

itchy hands

2008-06-03T22:53:00.004+08:00

My itchy hands can't be stopped from blogging again. Shucks. :/

ANGEL SENT ME A BOUQUET ON NEOPETS :]
"A pretty bouquet for a even prettier person"
HAHAHA.

I'm in love with my blogskin luh can. Baby, it's a big difference you full of rubbish girl. :/ I really forgot what I wanted to blog about, but I thought it was quite important. Now I've opened it up I don't know what to write. -.-

Jasmine says I'm always emotional on my blog. Like one day cheerful, one day all the emotions just gush out. Shit, I think I am leh!!! Cannot. I must stay strong and cheerful, for all my friends. :]

Seeing Angel/Honey/Monkey/President/Yong Don/Panda tomorrow!!! :]
ABSOLUTELY CANNOT WAIT FOR TOMORROW LUH CAN.

"ANGEL IMY! :]"
"Orh."
"Tsk, you're supposed to say I miss you too!"
"Tmrw say in person."
AWW. :] See, I think you should write a book.

Aiyah, I forgot what I wanted to say. I want to take lots and lots of pictures tomorrow OK, honey/monkey/yd/pres? :]

Track with Chuan&Honey, Chalet with Honey&Monkey&YD&Pres tomorrow. :]

I LOVE THE PERSON WHO LOVES MY AWWWWW.
"ANYTHING I PAY LUH OKAY"
HAHAHAHA OKAY! ILY.
When JY is poor she finds saviours all around her. :]

I sacrifice my texts 'kay. They're bursting already. :]

Love.

The Little Prince

2008-06-03T13:12:00.003+08:00

I somehow wish The Little Prince was not fictional and was my friend. :/

I hope the font of this new blogskin is much bigger. It came with my previous font, but I changed it. :] I think the blogskinner in me really died. I collected so many brushes for Photoshop, so many images, and had themes for at least two blogskins, but I couldn't bring myself to start filling that empty canvas. Seems like JC kills all your creative brain cells.

PostSecret fetish somehow back again. It's marvelous, how these people put their thoughts into words lesser than a sentence. I always get too wordy, and I never seem to grasp how people can summarise how they feel into a mere seven words. But there you go. PostSecret somehow links so many lives around the world together unknowingly, when the Secret-Poster and the people who read it relate the Secret to their lives, these powerful bond ties them together and the Secret-Poster somehow doesn't feel lonely anymore. From the replies, it's highly heart-warming. The first inspired me quite a lot. :] So many friends around me (perhaps including myself) have been so worn out by life and have even thought of ending this complicating mess. Yet I'm always saying that we're 16/17/18 and we have so many battles in front of us, why do we succumb to these mere failures? But sometimes it's not possible to talk sense into someone who has given up all hope. So the first Secret is... so true. If you could just hold on for one more day, perhaps the outcome and your feelings will be entirely different. If you could just hold on for one more day...

I'm sorry I blog in chunks and bore my readers to no end, I'm sorry.

There's a couple quarreling at my void deck right now. Sometimes I really hate staying at the second floor. I don't wish to hear your rants and rubbish so clearly from my bedroom window. But I can't ask them to quarrel somewhere else. -.- It's always the same couple anyway. I wish the girl would just move away.

The more I read between the lines of The Little Prince the more I realise of this cold, cold world. Where everyone grows up and becomes merely another person who is busy with "matters of consequence", and forgets the presence of people like The Little Prince. I want to live in that world with him and never come back.

I miss Maddy W already, and she's only been gone yesterday. Maddy the Panda, Angela Baby, Jerome my Monkey, Chuan my Angel, Jamie & Mag, Steffi my Honey, Sandra my Sweetheart. Gosh, I want to see my girlfriends so badly. I even miss CharmK and Dina! :/ I want to see J and Mag and the mini-Boyfriend and make myself laugh like no tomorrow and become retarded and be happy my entire life. Somehow I wish I had a little Mag in me. Or a little J. Or a mixture of both. Just a little of them in me.

Finished my Week 2 Reading Logs, A04-ers, please remember to complete yours diligently. And please log onto the class website with a LiveJournal account to vote for your CG Outing locations and SL project. :] Thank you.

<3, and I'll keep my texts to myself.

Breathe Me - Sia
Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

EmoElmo

2008-06-02T22:45:00.002+08:00

Gosh, I feel so freaking silly. :/

Today was slacking the whole time through, Neopets-ing and studying with BestieK at night. :] Highlight of the day was seeing Best and laughing through the night. Told him much about _ and how I felt and that idiot just laughed his way through and did the stupid 'huh?' action. Gosh, stupid Kenji. But it was good while it lasted, we wanted to go swing but then that idiot always goes back on his promises but he bought me vanilla Hello Panda so I'll forgive him tonight. :]

Seeing Best always makes me feel better, I don't know why. I'm so used to him (seven years!) and I don't know, I don't need to hide anything when I'm with him. Almost cried many many times with him today but held back the tears. Walked home as usual with him and listened to emotional songs on his Touch. :/ Made me even more emo than I was all the time when I was with him. Sigh. I need to stop thinking about this silly piece of shit. I'm so so tired of life and so tired of everything that's around me. Sometimes I just want to be someone else.

J: "give me metal blade now, metal blade, hurry." *flashes wrist*
K: "tsk, don't want luh, you won't dare to cut yourself."
J: "Damn it."

STUPID BEST. HAHAHAHA.

Anyway everyone's so emo nowadays it scares me. Jerome, Chuan, Fel. Sigh. And so much on my MSN list. :/

Re-read The Little Prince. That book never fails to make me receive revelations every time I re-read it. It marvels me, the simple way the author puts the story down to words, the way the author uses analogies and metaphors in such a subtle way you can just sense it but it doesn't get too overbearing or deliberate. It engages you to finish reading that thin book every time you begin, and every page makes you laugh at the simplicity of it all, imagine The Little Prince just around you and I don't know... I can almost hear his 'lovely peals of laughter'. :] Gosh, that book is wonderful. :]

Makes me want to start reading a lot all over again, like I used to during the holiday. Classics like Great Expectations, famous books like To Kill a Mockingbird, The Five People You Meet in Heaven... Sigh, I just want to read and take my mind off stuff. :/ I want to engage myself into a lovely fairytale-in-the-city rubbish and just 'aww' over the sweet parts. Sigh.

Yeah I want to run away
I want to leave this place

I'm so bored, I want to catch What Happens in Vegas. I want to go to Vivocity and window-shop. I want to sit and watch the sea. I want to swing and never come down. I want to sleep and never wake up. I want to sing songs of praise and never stop. I want to read The Little Prince and write something like that. I want to... forget everything.

I wanna fill this new frame,
but it's empty.
It's empty.

We're empty.

I wish everything would be all right.
Re-read my past blog entries. March seems like a nice time. I want to go back then. :/

Maybe I should have gone to Poly with Best.
But Poly isn't my kind of place. Ah.

<3
Yeah I know you want me off your back.
No more random lyrics texts.

Bye.

DISAPPEARING ACT.

2008-06-01T23:15:00.002+08:00

Aye, my disappearing act failed. Halfway. I only disappeared for two days. :/ Probably because there were too many problems left unsolved, and I couldn't leave my friends hanging on their own. Tried to come back for church today, but obviously didn't make it. This disappearance made me think a lot (well, it was supposed to). I don't know, I wanted to run away, run away from all these problems. Why couldn't life be simple? And stay that way? Sigh, so many things that I cannot solve, yet it hurts to not do anything.

Jerome, you've got to stay strong. It hurts me to see you like this, you're always brightening up my day (aww) and doing stupid stuff that makes me laugh all my troubles away. And I want that you back. You've been staying strong for others for far too long, and I'm sorry I just asked you to do that. J, you've got to stay strong for yourself, because you're better than this. You're better than all these problems because you're the kindest soul I know under that smackable face, and you're so much stronger than this. J, smile, all right? Even if it's just to make me happy. But you know, you can get through this. I have faith in you.

Pretty Girl, I love you lots. And I've got so much, so much for you. I know God has in store so much more for you, and I'm praying. Every day. And you can be strong girl, I know you can. I know it's hard. But let us share your pains and burdens, let us get through this with you. Because we want to, and we know you can, you just need a little bit of help. Girl, stay strong, stay strong. Because I want you to be strong and stay that way. And you'll be fine, and God will shine His face upon you and miracles will happen. I miss you Girl. :[

Oh my disappearing act has strengthened my... uh, if you can call it that, will to hold on. Silly, it is. But will it be stupid to give it all away? I'm falling into something that's nothing, if that makes sense. But I'm not going to be emoshit anymore, because I'm stronger than all that. And my friends need me more than I need myself right now. :/ So I'll be strong. For them. Why is everyone so emo now? I don't want to see you guys like that. Gosh. It pains me. :[

In case you see, I'll wait. I don't know too you know, I have as much "I-don't-knows" as you have, I have as much pride as you have. Tags, texts, words exchanged shook me. It made me feel if it's worth it to hold on and then nothing comes out of it in the end, it made me think if I'm silly and if I look like I'm such a desperate whore. I'm not used to fighting for love, and I don't think I'll ever be. Because I used to be such a traditional idiot, used to wait for the guy to take the initiative and all. But it dragged on far too long and it got me a little silly in the head, waiting. I don't know how long I can wait, but I know I'll try hard till the end.

I don't want to look back and regret about all these. I don't know, I've seen so many 'successful' people and I don't want to be scared. But I know you are luh, or maybe it's all in me. Maybe you don't give a shit or care and you just want me off your back. Maybe luh, maybe I should. But it's going to hurt so bad I've tried giving up far too many times. They say Love don't come easy and maybe it's true so I'm going to hold on. And try. I think it's simple but we've complicated things up. I don't know if you'll ever soften and take me in, when sometimes I feel like you won't at all. But I want to give it a shot. I want to give it my all and maybe I'll get hurt. But it's the same, I'll get hurt anyway if I try giving up. So I'll hang on to this last hope, I don't know what hope it is, but I want to hold on.

I'm as confused, but I know you're more confused. I know it isn't easy, juggling love with studies. Especially in a freaking JC. So yeah, I can't say much anymore. It's just. You're different, in a I-don't-know kinda way, and I don't want to let this feeling mean nothing. So rational and all at such a young age. Aren't young people supposed to be wild and not have a care at the world and take a chance in love? Go be a father.

Ugh, I miss you.

So many lyrics that can express the way I feel right now. Yong Don's songs tided me through my disappearance, and they made me think a lot. :/ Also imagining YD singing to "Count On Me Singapore". Cute. LAUGHS. :] Thanks for the songs. More more to come, LAUGHS. :D

Friends, cheer up. :/
I don't know what to say anymore, I'll pray. Real hard. I miss church.

Ugh, I miss so many more people too.

Jerome and Chuan, I need to see you guys. Just to make sure you're all right. Pretty Girl, I miss you crazy. Yong Don, didn't get to see you because I missed church today, but I'm sure you're fine. Charmaine and Dina, I miss you guys, so much to catch up on. Kenji Leow, stop letting projects take priority over your bestie. Haven't talked to Nathan properly in a week. Jamie, I want to see you badly, and Mag. SandraWang, I want to talk to you so much more on the phone. :[

POUTS.
I want to make the world a better place.

Shoot yourself and die.

2008-05-30T14:57:00.004+08:00

Last blog entry before I go MIA. :/ Sigh.

School today was all right, saw angel and Jamie and baby. :] Too much of Chinese gets on my nerves though, but I'm determined to make my Chinese Lit pro. :] Angel says I've got the "copy/paste" function, so I'm gonna do this right! :D Anyway, got my pretty small post-its already, which means love notes for many many pretty people. :] Breakfast-ed with Sandra today because I reached school one hour earlier -.- and talked to her. :] Sat with angel and Jamie during Economics lecture, those two crack me up crazy. Angel was full of rubbish today, no wonder, with Jerome what. JEROME OEI YOU ARE SUPER MEAN TO ME LUH! JUST BECAUSE I'M NOT BFF. I'M JEALOUS! Angel is nice to Stef luh please. Tsk.

Sian, I wonder where all these anonymous taggers come from. Move blog, JY, move. And I wonder where all the advertisements will go. Gah.

I used to think you weren't a bastard, but maybe I was wrong. :/

Oh, and this part dedicated to Merv OK! :]
I'm not taking offense at what she said to me luh, just want to tell both of you that. Just that I know how much you love her and I don't want to be bothering you like last time because now you've got her and everything's different already. :] Two years plus plus plus online bestie, will never have regretted knowing you and stuff. And thanks for the endless texts every time, 24/7, you've seen more tantrums I've had than anyone else, been through all the bastards with me, we've went to decorate the Maple Christmas tree together twice and the screen shots are still there, laughs, and yes. I'm happy for you, really. :] You're the best friend anyone could have and I'll bet the best boyfriend to her too. :D Long-lasting k, you can do it, and don't worry so much about the future, NS and whatever rubbish. Because you're worth a lot more than all that worrying too. :]

Maybe I should listen to Jerald. Actually I'm fickle anyway. HAHA. :]

Anyway, angel don't be worried. I'd be MIA but I'll be safe, really. I'll disappear from the face of earth from tonight onwards till Monday/Tuesday, I don't know, but I will join you for Track training really soon and I'll be fine up and running and studying and not being bothered by stupid affairs of the heart or by gossips or by whatever rubbish stress I'm feeling. :] It feels so good when I have you by my side all the time, and I know the texts caps are bursting (mine is, horribly) and we'll soon have to communicate by post-its and snail mail. :] But ILY to bits and I'll be fine don't worry I'll be good. :]

Aiyah i've got much much much more to say but I've really gotta go. I'll miss miss miss so many of you. Texts will not be replied, no MSN and all because I'm really disappearing. Like not going into hiding but yea really going away.

I didn't text him luh dearests. :] I know where I stand and I think I'm all right. :] HAHA DON'T WORRY FOR ME I'M NOT AHEM AND I'LL BE FINE BECAUSE HE'S NOT THE ONLY MAN IN MY LIFE YO.
Bye.

<3 much! to everyone.

Shoot yourself and die.

2008-05-30T14:57:00.001+08:00

Oh Baby, bring on the rain. :[

2008-05-29T23:10:00.005+08:00

I'm holding on to something and I do not know why I tried

Narnia-ed with Care Group (and all of Arrow! :]) at Eng Wah (Suntec). Didn't really enjoy it though, I think I'm suited for bimbo shows still, and it's more worth my $8.50. LAUGHS. Anyway, Jerald was being a bastard all the way from Suntec to City Link to City Hall MRT, highly annoyed by that stupid boy. But thought of a lot of things on the way back (yes, again).

Saw J_ today again and I realised he's got a nice smile. :] Aye, I'm attracted to guys with nice smiles. LAUGHS, and whom are not very tall! He looked cute in work wear, though. :] Anyway, told baby I had the feeling of falling in love all over again. I could, if only I could pull myself out of this first. How many people have told me it's silly to wait and nothing would come out of it, I don't know, but it just feels right now. Maybe. A little better. No expectations does me better than having any expectations. Jerald Kng didn't make it any better when he told me about his friends going separate ways. Aiyah, you're a sucker Jerald, you know that? But I still love you because of God's grace. :] HAHA.

Thought about a lot that I talked to angel before previously. Aiyah, I know I'm like giving in to everything and adapting to his situation and all that rubbish. But I'm a girl what, albeit not typical. :] What if, what ifs. What if. I don't know. What if we continue to walk separate ways all the way and then we move on and then we meet new people and then we fall in love over again and then nothing happens. And then we think back and realize oh we fell for this person but we didn't get together and then we might have lost I don't know, something. Aiyah, I'm full of rubbish. :/

Oh I got two cheap thrills today. My PRETTY PRETTY LANYARD THAT EVERYONE'S GONNA BE ENVIOUS OF cost me $2.35 instead of $7.90! :] I want to get the green one too. :] Mighty pretty please! I got my cute cute pencilcase which fits a lot of things for $3.90 and it's pretty with pink/white polkadots too. :] HAHAHAHA.

Aiyah.
If only I could stop missing you. :/
I miss Angel too, two days never see you leh!!! :D
I miss Stef and Sandra and Jerome and Angel and Nathan anddddddddddddddddd okay i don't miss any more people.
"I miss talking to you. :( 'your unlike any other'" :] AWW.

See my AWW is worth a lot okay, give you today. :]

Might be missing from Friday on. :[
"I wish a girl said that to me..." HAHAHAHA. YOU ALL WAIT LUH WAIT.
Make me fall in love with you luh!
HAHAHAHAHA.

SUPERJY!:
aiyah you're not crazy, if you're rational, you're not in love. :]
SUPERJY!:
oh, so that means he's not in love. :/

OKAY RUBBISH JY BYE.

CAPTIAL ACCOUNT DEFICIT.

2008-05-29T14:00:00.002+08:00

WHY AM I BROKE IN A TIME LIKE THIS IT IS THE GREAT SINGAPORE SALE I NEED DRESSES AND PUMPS AND ACCESSORIES WHY AM I BROKE NOW. :/ UGH. :[

SAD MUCH CAPITAL ACCOUNT DEFICIT LUH TONIGHT STILL WATCH WHAT NARNIA. -.- QUALITY TIME WITH CARE I'M SURE. :[

AH JY NEEDS MONEY JY NEEDS MONEY JY NEEDS MONEY.

IT'S BEEN LIKE AGES SINCE I LAST SHOPPED I NEED NEW CLOTHES.

BYE.

/PS SWINGING TODAY WAS FUN ILY BABY.

Hee. Silly-sad or silly-happy?

2008-05-28T13:06:00.003+08:00

If I were you, I'd have put more faith in my friends more than I put in that guy. :] Because whenever someone badmouthed you, you were the first I told. Yet you held back more things from me than I ever held back from you. :] I'd have done so much if I were you, I wouldn't have lied right from the beginning, then things wouldn't snowball to such an extent.

I realised Sandra and I have more in common than we could've imagined. HA.

I want to walk in the rain. :] But I didn't want to get more sick, so I'll listen to angel and stay at home. But I'm in the Famine Camp 2008! Heh, and baby's joining with me. So so so sorry to those who've been so worried about me and my gastric. I know you're all scared I'll die because of my gastric. Maybe I will luh, see God earlier also good. HAHAHA.

OK I'm crapping because I'm mighty bored I want t g out.

I miss you! :[
Bye.

Give me this one last fighting chance.

2008-05-27T18:39:00.003+08:00

"Give me this one last fighting chance to crash the wall
I'll get to you"

I think you lost the will to fight :]

You're better than who you think you are, really. Don't bring yourself down. And I'm glad I fought for it. Silly JY fought for love today, and she didn't succeed. :] But it's all right, she's made of stronger stuff, she thinks. :/ Anyway, I had so much to say actually. But it didn't come out nice in words. I didn't want to give any pressure, I didn't want to say anything more. I just didn't want to know that the feeling wasn't mutual. :] And it's not over, just yet. I said I'd fight till the last bit of you in me dies, and I will, still be here. Maybe one day you'll turn around and think that it'll be worth it to fight together. Because sometimes it's so much better to fight with someone you love. :] I shan't be selfish, although love is selfish, and you should run this last lap on your own if you want to. But if you happen to turn back, I know I'll never leave.

You're doing well. You're much better than what you perceive of yourself. :]

<3
And I'm fine. I will be. :]

I haven't been s sure.

2008-05-27T14:42:00.002+08:00

They say it's fate, but I think it's a freaking curse.

Lunched with Randolph after Economics lecture today because Yong Don PS-ed us and refused to come down and lunch with us, resulting in us looking mighty scandalous and we didn't want it to be so because we're both faithful idiots who already have someone else in mind. :] I swear I'm clean of scandals, unlike Randolph and Yong Don. :] HEE. Aiyah. I remembered Angel said I shouldn't always try to laugh when I'm upset.
'You always smile but in your eyes your sorrow shows' :[

Texts with Randolph and Yong Don made me feel weird about how I really felt. I thought I could be strong and get over it because there were so many people there for me. Yet it seems quite impossible because I see him everyday. And it's not like I hate seeing him. It's a love/hate thing. If I don't see him for that day I won't be very happy, but when I see him I get more unhappy, but I'd be glad I saw him. :/ I don't know luh, I think I've gone crazy. I don't want to look like I've moved on and I'm all right without it, because it feels weird, life without him. I don't know why, talking to someone else everyday doesn't feel the same. Gosh, I'm silly, aren't I? Despite asking my bimbs to give up again and again, I'm silly. But I just want to look at him. I could've sat at the bus-stop and waited till he left today. But yea, I didn't. -.-

"I want him back :["
"Are you sure?"
I didn't reply.
"I miss him mad."
Aiyah, I keep laughing at Randolph being hua chi then here I am being also. Tsk. :[

Need to rest and then start on doing my Chinese corrections and studying for China Studies. :[ I don't know how to get about doing them. But I will find the strength, somehow, somewhere.

A04 girls are really sweet. And so is Wayne. :] Thanks for the replies dearests, and don't say sorry. Because it was really my fault and none of yours. But thanks for all the sweet replies, I could never have been better after reading those replies. :] Smile on face today was brought by you guys. Love. <3

Sandra darling when are we going to sit down and talk?! That day we only finished halfway although you told quite a lot already. :/ I MISS YOU GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :[

I'm not all right.
But I think I will be.

So many issues.

2008-05-26T20:22:00.002+08:00

You hold my every moment,
You calm my raging seas,
You walk with me through fire,
and heal all my disease.

I trust in You, I trust in You.

I believe You're my healer,
I believe You are all I need.
I believe You're my portion,
I believe, You're more than enough for me,
Jesus You're all I need.

Nothing is impossible for You,
Nothing is impossible.
Nothing is impossible for You,
You hold my world in Your hands.

I need to strengthen my faith. The first thing that comes to mind should be God, and not drawing on my own strength to argue, or to let everyone think I'm all right. But what I heard today hurt me real bad. I know, I know people, that I shouldn't let what others say affect me, but that's easier said than done isn't it? But I know that I can't please everyone, but I know that there must be a reason why they think badly of me. I don't need to prove myself to anyone, I know, but I just don't want to be tsk... I don't know too. :( I'm thankful for all who's been behind me all these while, and Pretty Girl the text today was super sweet. :) I will always remember what you said in that text, Girl, because it means a lot to me.

"Smile :)"
"Get out of the circle."

Chemistry lecture was really really funny, I crashed with Mag and Jamie, because if I went to the library before Track I know I'll get really emo, and I know a lot of people are worried. Sorry. So I stayed for Chemistry lecture (freaking two hours :/) and had a lot of laughing because of Mag and Jamie. I swear those two ah... "Baby!" (LAUGHS) So I felt a lot better, then went for Track with Chuan and Stef, to try to run all these worries away. It worked for a while, I was sort of high during Track (Track people are super duper super nice please! :)) and sang songs to praise Jesus and stuff. I ran six rounds plus (AYE REALLY LUH) seven and got wonderfully tired. Then I just sat around and looked at Stef and Chuan train. :/ Wanted to bathe at school but the grumpy security guard came to say that all gates would be closed and rushed us out. :( Dinnered at Tampines Mall and came homeeeeeeeee. :D

Smile on face, smile on face. I know I can do it. :]

I'm going to study real hard this June. And I've got one month, one month to restore my faith in God, to know for sure that with Daddy nothing can bring me down, to know for sure that however bad my situation is right now, Daddy will turn it around to my favour, to know for sure that I do not need to try hard to do everything, but that I can rest in Daddy's embrace and let Him do the work, for in Him alone, and in the divine exchange, am I everything. Alone I am nothing. One month to know that I will be fine in July.

And I don't know why I always bump into him when I'm with Chuan. -.- No appetite much, I don't know what to say, how to act, or how to eat. I want to get over it, "he's not worth it, he's not worth it", but it doesn't work luh babes. :/ It's tiring and stuff. To hear all that and try to act like it's all right, because it's not. Once it was you who could give me comfort at a time like this, but now it's nothing, really nothing.

The world's crumbling down, and you can stay to watch the sight

SeanF, Chuan, Felina. Thank you. :]
Small actions mean a whole lot.

Candy Floss.

2008-05-25T14:40:00.003+08:00

Maddy Wee, I want you to cheer up. :) And I hope you will when my letter reaches you. HA. I love you all right, and I'm always there, never leaving. I don't want to be the one who's there only when you say you're not all right, and when everyone else will come and offer you love and care, but I want to be there whenever, wherever all right. :D Love.

Today I went for first service!!!!! :D I woke up early luh please! I woke at 7 and bathed and got ready so fast that I couldn't imagine myself. Thought I'd be early because I left the house at 8.15AM, and then I was late luh!!! But I got a seat at the main auditorium because SeanF was there early. :/ But he picked a lousy seat for me, made me sit next to a guy who was very fat and stinky and slept throughout service. And I couldn't inch closer to SeanF because that guy's disgusting too (HAHA). But TODAY'S SERVICE WAS AWESOME! :) SeanF stayed around before Nathan came and he was super gay because he bought so many Post-its. Don't act hardworking please! But the small one's really pretty. I think I'm going to buy it later. :D Harris' doesn't have the CareBear luh!!

Then met up with Eew for lunch at New York New York. Tsk, I got cheated please, the beef chunks so small! :( So ended up eating from Eew's plate, super unglam please. But it was quite funny luh, talked about quite a lot and had candy floss after that. :D Good food does good things to your temper. :D So I was super tired on the train back. I swear I'm super bimbotic, got caught in the sun/rain shit and I didn't think, "shit I'd get sick", I thought "shit, my mascara's not waterproof". HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I shall go and sleep before I wake up to study. And do my essay. And GP online articles. And Chinese zhou ji. And Chinese test correction. And many many more. :/ Holiday = No holiday.

Bye.
<3 style="font-style: italic;">It'll all get better in time.

/edit:
I looked through the titles of my old blog posts, and boy, do they bring back memories! :) It's so good to have a blog for a long time (I think this URL followed me longer than any other, fickle as I am about URLs) and it really keeps the memories there, whether or not you blog about what you really feel so. Anyway.

Eew told me today that many people think I'm a player because I always hang out with guys. Well. Pretty Girl told me once when I asked her about J and I will never forget it, Pretty Girl. "Don't let what others say affect you." Coming from her, I will treasure it all my life. :) But seriously, I'm not. It's in my nature to click better with guys, since I was in Primary School. But it's different, I don't know how to explain it. Being friends with guys is the same as being friends with girls, no matter how guys perceive it. You're just a friend, who's there when I'm down, and who will accompany me when I need someone to be there. Well, girl or guy, they both do the same thing. :/ I don't have the assets to be a player anyway. -.- And.

You.
Have really low self-esteem. Maybe it is to make me feel better. But from what I perceive your four lines of, "There are better guys than me", well, rubbish. -.- Who are you to judge. But it's weird trying to act like everything's fine and normal. It's weird to try and look at your signing into MSN and knowing I'll have to stop myself from doing anything. It's weird knowing that if I appealed out I would never have had to go through all these. It's weird to think that if I didn't come for Orientation so many things wouldn't have happened anyway (with J as well). Maybe it was a wrong choice to stay at TP. And anyway.

I think you're mighty selfish. To try to pretend everything's fine and expect me to accept the fact that we'll have to try to become friends again so fast. If I could do it, then perhaps all the others' assumptions were right, that you weren't that important in the first place. So you know what? I'm not going to try. I'm going to stop trying and be like that for a while.

"I can't seem to find any reason to like him, but I can't seem to find any reason to stop liking him."
"If you could, it wouldn't be called liking him."

True, Stef you make sense.
Same boat much.
<3 you.

Stef&SeanF are so honoured luh please. They're on my featured friends on Friendster. HAHAHA. For NOW!!! HAHAHA.

The Zone :)

2008-05-24T23:58:00.002+08:00

Just reached home from The Zone, and yes, it did make me renew my vision of God and His holy presence around me. Talked to more of the Care Group today, and Anna makes me smile a whole lot. She never fails to make me feel special, to her as well as to God, and reminds me constantly of the fact that I am favoured by my Daddy, despite whatever obstacles that might come my way. :) And Hillsongs United's songs are z-oh my gosh good! Noisy, no doubt the old ones may complain, but it makes you jump all your worries away and entrust them in Daddy. :) So tempted to get the USB luh, but no cash, no cash! Such a waste. :/ And I swear the lead singer's super charming when he sings and plays the guitar. HA.

Talked to Li Wen, 'May's' cousin (I have NO IDEA why you want to be called May because it's like, super gay) and this other guy whom I can never remember his name but is super lame. HA. :) I'm glad I talked to him though, made me feel happier and closer to the Care. But anyway, their songs are awesome and everyone should get the EP!!! :) It's gooooooood. But coming home from Expo is a torture please, everywhere take also so far! -.-

Anyway.
MADDY WEE CHIA SHIN is the sweetest thing ever. :)
I received your freaking letter today. Gosh. A LETTER?!! That's like super sweet please. I never expected you to send me one even though you asked for my freaking address. I won't say much here, but I WILL REPLY YOUR FREAKING LETTER BY SNAIL MAIL TOO. :) That 'dickhead' won't give me any more problems because Angel and you will beat him up! HA. Naw, we're kind people. Live and let live yeah? I'll just chill for a while. :) It's not that easy to return to friends after all that's happened, but JY's made of stronger stuff than that.

Pretty Girl.
"You're not alone,
together we stand,
we'll be by your side
you know I'll take your hand,
when it gets cold
and it feels like the end,
there's no place to go,
you know I won't give in
No I won't give in."<3

J.
Sorry for being a bitch on text to you today. But I really don't know how else to respond to you anymore. And I'm sure it's not just me. I never ever base people on what I hear, but you keep confirming what other people tell me. Sometimes the stuff you say just make me feel so stupid for defending you in front of them, and then make me speechless at you because the stuff you say hurts so bad and so much, not only to me, but to so much more people you're hurting, knowingly or unknowingly. What I know is that what you've done so far, so far, has hurt a lot a lot of people. I don't know why, they just seem to get hurt by your actions.

Back.
I want the Hillsong United USB and EP LAH!!!!!! :(((((( SAD MUCH.
Piang, I need cash.
Can come in the form of donations or a rich males. :)

Bye.

Last Day.

2008-05-23T17:57:00.002+08:00

I can't believe it's the June holidays already. Wanted to sit with Chuan till end of Track, but decided against it, instead go home and emo. :/ Called BestieK because I just felt like meeting him today, but he didn't pick up. Called Sandra to check if she was all right, she didn't pick up. I'm starting to think my phone is spoiled. But then SeanF and Chuan replied and BestieK called, so I think it's back to normal. BestieK is like so nice :). I hope he'll meet me today after he meets Xavier and we can go swinging at Punggol Park.

It took me everything to hold my tears back on the bus today. It was rubbish, I don't know why I always have these feelings on the bus. I'd just suddenly think of a lot of stuff and feel like crying. But I got that sinking feeling again today, didn't feel like talking to anyone else, just sat there. :/ I didn't dare to tell anyone I wanted to cry, in case they called and I didn't know what to say.

But today's exams were all right I guess. No As, but I think I'd scrape a pass in them, hopefully. I need to lean more of these weight onto the Lord. :( I could do all the questions today, for Economics, but there was no time. I think I'm the only one who left one SRQ blank and still had the limitations to complete for 1b. But I should trust in Daddy's power, and stop brooding about it. I tried my best, my brain is still full of Economics information (yes everyone said I might as well swallow the whole book) and stuff. No more Night Safari tonight. :(

I think I'd cry when I see Best later. :(

!♥SUPERJY says:
i'm okay i'm okay. please get well soon, i'll pray. : (
Phileas ~ Screw Up Everything & My Life says:
then i will pray u be happy lol

Aww :)

Why does everyone think I'm sad though. HA. Am I that bad at covering my feelings. I thought I laughed and went crazy at school as usual. :/ But I saw you today again, twice. In the classroom and at the basketball court. It was like, really funny. :D

JY: Get some air outside leh, I hate the classroom luh!
Angela walks out...
JY: Ee, AHEM.
JY walks into the classroom
LAUGHS. My whole reaction was like, "Eee, you". HAHA. I think I'm a bit crazy, Angela thinks so too.

I know I'm being cranky again now. Sorry.
And on gastric medication again, no famine camp I think. :( I know I'm stubborn and I don't want to listen to all of you and I want to join it because I want to join it. Sorry.

It sets me thinking luh. I want to do something. What if I die tomorrow or something. HA.

Aiyah, I'm going to emo now. Later.

Mids!

2008-05-22T21:51:00.002+08:00

It seems so fast, yet seems so long. :/ The irony of life. It's Mids already, and I don't know if I'm prepared tomorrow. It'd be hypocritical to say I didn't study, but to say with confidence I can apply all the concepts and be sure that all that I've memorised and applied would come out tomorrow when I'm doing the paper is impossible. :/ Studied with Chuan today at IMH after school, but productivity was only all right, we were both tired. But it was all right, we received a lot of 'revelation' reading the VJ and RJ essays and did a bit of Economics. I think I'm all right, Chuan tries to comfort me and all, but you know how I get with examinations around the corner. I think I won't sleep with peace tonight. :/

Anyway, I'm joining the Famine Camp. :) Despite I know worries and worries from people saying I'm joining despite my gastric, but I'm curing it already, eating my medicine when I need it and eating when I'm hungry. So I really really want to do this as I've been waiting for it for like, quite long. :) So I'm now quite a happy kid.

And I'm really tired. :( But I want to study more for tomorrow. Why am I always so stubborn? Sigh. And today wasn't that good. Sandra babe, I know how you feel. Like how I know the stuff is over but I still believe that he isn't a jerk/bastard, and I just want to watch him from afar and see that he's good and happy and stuff, no matter how much it hurts because I want to be there for him. I believe you feel that way too, you won't let go because you love him and although you know you're sorta in denial you can't stop because you want to believe him 'cus of the love you have? Yes, babe, I know. But I also know you're more radical than that. I know you know that you may be in denial and you may choose to give him the benefit of the doubt. But it's up to you really, like as with Jex in the beginning, I'll be with you all the way, and she will too. But please don't make any choices that will entangle you further and make you more hurt. Because I don't want to see you that way.

Prayer for Mids tomorrow (all those who're taking as well):
Lord, we know that we have the wisdom and we have the perseverance,
that we have the strength and we have the hands,
because You have given it to us already.
Lord, we know that You will send Your angels to guide us,
Your wisdom will fill us up,
Your mighty hand will guide my hand,
and I will do well, because I have You, Father.
In You I trust.
With You I have nothing to fear,
I'll not be nervous, I'll not be scared,
I will be calm and do my best,
I'll maximise my potential and what I have learned,
because Father, You are always there and You will make sure of that.
In Jesus' name, Amen.

So many things, but after tomorrow I think it'll all be fine. :)
Swing and Night Safari tomorrow night, The Zone on Saturday night. :) So much to look forward to! Two nights consecutively with Care, HAHA. :D

And Pretty Girl:
I was so glad to see you today. I'm sorry I was going to tear. I missed you and I love your hug. Girl, stay strong and stay happy. Because I'll be your happy pill whenever you need one, and I'll be there for you, together with Jerome. Thanks for saying and telling me that I shouldn't let what people say affect me, I was just worried you'd feel uncomfortable with me. :)
Lovely. May God shine His lovely face upon you.

PROJECT BOYFRIEND.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. :) Insider joke. Hint hint.

<3

Blessed.

2008-05-21T18:40:00.002+08:00

I don't want angel to be sad/emo leh. Don't rely on your own strength always OK, it's all right to have the sinking feeling sometimes, it's all right to be emo even when I'm not cheered up. :(

Anyway, today went to the Polyclinic early in the morning and queued for approximately three hours, great. Bill came up to be more than $8, because the doctor gave me all the medicine I tried to avoid. I didn't mention my gastric and low sugar, but she gave me medicine for that anyway. -.- Sigh, I think I'll die from just eating the medicine I have. :/ Can commit suicide already, the packets I have (HAHAHAHA). Went to Medical Hub right after seeing the doctor with some food and studied all the way till 6:00PM on my own. Angel wanted to come but I didn't want him to go home so late after that, he still had to travel home, and stay up to watch the whatever soccer final cup that is on. So I didn't meet him in the end and went home. Only one random guy talked to me today! HA. But the whole time there I was worrying about my Chinese. :( I hate it when I let what the teacher says affect me. Why can't he just be a little more encouraging or a little less condemning? I know he means well, just that you feel so so so bad after talking to him, or having a consultation with him. It's like it makes you feel so stupid and useless. Gah.

"Let me light up the sky, light it up for you, let me tell you why I would die for you"
":) You made my day today"
The two sweetest guys there are on earth and I found them. :)
And they both said that if they could curb my gastric they'd buy me food everyday. I'm looking forward to 365 days of free chocolate muffins and mock shit. HAHAHAHA.

And hint hint, I want the two medium and small carebears. :( You both don't keep saying "see how" leh!!! Piang eh. Just because I'm not ahem and ahem, whoever your ahems are. HA. My conference pals are like, super funny. :)

Dina texted me randomly on Monday, was quite surprised. :) I thought we'd all moved on with our new lives. Hope to see you soon, babe. Really miss you and the blue/white days when we couldn't care less about the species with a penis. :) HAHA YES LUH I'M CRUDE SORRY. No one else to be un-crude for already anyway. HA. Felt silly remembering how I avoided many words and changed so much for a bastard. I shall become a lesbian and fall in love with my lovely JamieQ.

I wish I were in the same class with Jerome, Chuan and that gay partner of his. :) I think I'd laugh all day till I die and stay happy everyday not thinking about whether my class would bitch about me or whether I'd get bastard-ed by my class today. Very scary please, whenever you try to lead and then someone pulls you down. :/

And that bitch had to comment about me wanting to join the 30hr Famine Camp. :( I think we should all do things when we're young and stuff, may seem stupid, paying $30 for a FAMINE camp, but you don't even know the details. Sigh, why do things always have to turn out this way? :( Spent today in solitude and realised it's so much better than being around people and trying to please them... Sigh.

Gosh, I pray tomorrow will be a good day. And it will be.

Stars are fading, eyes are blurring,

2008-05-20T21:57:00.004+08:00

Maybe I take time to heal. But this is all getting a little too emotional. What with pretty girl, and what with myself. I know I have so much more opportunities, but right now, I'm getting freaking emotional.

And angel, please don't be emo every time you're home. Or I won't let you go home. :/ Don't think that way, because I don't think you can ever be that way. Because you're all I ever wanted in a friend, and I don't want you thinking that way. I would want to love soccer because of you, to watch you run track again and again and shout "Go Chuan" and I would want to go to school because I have lessons with you. :) And I don't want you to be emo because I feel like I'm drawing too much strength from you, now I'll give you some. Let me have a chance to make you go aww too, and let me show that I'm family too. :)

Now I'm going to write an emo post, and please don't think too much into it. :)

Because I don't know why the tears just come. Maybe I'm worrying for Pretty Girl too much. Maybe your reaction today said a lot to me. Maybe I'm thinking of so many things, how it always fails for me. It was the same for _, where I struggled for one year just to forget. I struggled for one year just to let go of all of it, and we didn't even create much memories. Aye, maybe I'm just a big silly who was delusional for so long. _ stole me for so long. When he was around, I didn't see anyone else, literally. It was always just him and how to make him happy. It didn't matter if the girlfriend wasn't me, it didn't matter if I cried at night and he didn't know it was for him, though he was on the phone with me. Dramatic much. But he never knew, because I thought he never had to. I would just be there, and be like that. I still love basketball because of him.

And then I finally moved on. Then I fell for someone whom I never thought I would in a million years. Aye sometimes I feel stupid, because I don't know what I see. I don't know what I like, because I don't know much. But you get that flipping feeling when you see the person, you would want to bump into the person just to see if he's all right, you would want to know that person was all right and was around you, you would want to know what might happen the next day. Two months was a delusion, and SeanF slapped me awake. What if it didn't mean the same? Maybe I didn't want it that much too. Maybe it would never have worked out. Maybe I had nothing else to say. And perhaps it's just me. Angel says that I look so strong on the outside but inside I was like glass. Maybe, maybe there was so much in me that I'd never told anybody. I wanted to give it all up to someone. Maybe I wanted to be loved too much.

It's not right, it's not fair.

But what has been fair? I know, Pastor keeps telling me, when God places all these obstacles against you, He is preparing you for a miracle. So don't say as in Genesis 22:36 "All things are against me!" because when we don't see what God wants us to see, we think that everything is against us.

I don't want to lose anyone. I just don't want to lose anyone. I'm losing one very soon, and I hate the thought of it.

Maybe after this post everyone will know why I'm so stupid. :) But it's a passing thing. When I'm blogging it out, I'm letting it go to the world, like a balloon let loose. After this nothing will happen to me (hopefully, after PG), and I will move on with life together with all these people who've walked so far with me.

Maybe I don't feel so much for you after all, just that I don't know what I feel when you walk past me again and again. :/ Stupid girl, JY.

:)
And I love you, Pretty Girl, no matter what. I meant whatever I said in the text today.

I want to sit on a swing and play with sparklers.
AWW STEF!
"Do you know you're unlike any other?"
"Do you know I don't want any other?"
ZOMG MELTS. HAHAHAHA.

Made of Honor

2008-05-20T18:06:00.003+08:00

"You're the perfect guy, just not the perfect guy for me"

I swear Made of Honor is a freaking good movie please, everyone should watch it. :) I don't mind watching it again if someone treats me. (HA, yeah I'm hinting) THUNDERBEADS. HAHAHAHA. OH YES THE SCRIPT IS WONDERFULLLLLL :) I'm in love with the Scriptwriter, hopefully it's a male. :/
hahaha

Anyway, today wasn't that good a day. But I'm slowly learning to entrust it in my Lord and not brood so much about it. To stop relying on my own strength to try and make my class listen to me, to participate and to co-operate. To stop thinking about what people might say behind my back. But it's real hard sometimes, I need to connect to my Daddy now. :(

And gastric is acting up again. Really bad pain on the bus all the way home. I'm sorry people, for letting you all worry because I'm not taking care of myself. For letting myself appear so weak and useless. :/ Sigh. I'm not like this, I'm stronger than this. I've got to start looking after myself and stuff. Gosh. :(

Why is it that when you never want to bump into someone, you end up bumping into that person more and more? Gosh! And yeah, frequent random crying sensations are still here and there, with the class issues and shit, but I'm still OK today. :) Thank you guys for all the concern and such, I feel so loved by JamieQ, Chuan, Angela, Jerome (the fidiot who makes me laugh like no tomorrow), Maddy, Mun, Sandra, Randolph, SeanF. :) I'm so glad you guys are always there whenever I text and stuff. YES MAN IT'S DURING THE HARD TIMES THAT YOU SEE YOUR BEST FRIENDS. :) And who are the real jerks. Gosh, if you don't want anything, shut your friends up. Because even though it means nothing to you, it embarrasses and hurts me when something like that happens.

AND NATHAN THANKS FOR THE CURRY PUFFFFFFF :)
I swear I'm so poor. But it's always Nathan with the muffin and now the curry puff. SPEAK OF THE DEVIL PLEASE! (laughs)

TO SANDRA: REJECTED BY ERROR.
HAHA. Nice...

"A dick for a dick"
"But I got no dick leh!!!"
Laughs.

Oh yes, to youuuuuu the prettiest girl of all:
Although I'm not very close to you, I love you with all my heart. Whenever I think about you, my heart breaks. I cried for you more than once. I hope you'll stay strong, pretty girl, and that no matter what happens, I'll be here and I'll be praying for you.

SeanFYD: "Just remember that for every person that is not your friend, there's always more people who'll stand for you"

:)

2008-05-19T08:35:00.002+08:00

Laughs, last night was really loserish. I couldn't take it and Best went home with me, the cab fare was crazy. :/ I hate the airport. Now I'm really broke for the rest of this week. Ah, crap. But I really went because I wanted to make sure the bimbos were all right and amphibian was highly annoying to the core, can't believe he's my bestfr. Now J has no more bestfr! :( HA. So anyway, no more random waves of 'feel-like-crying-ness' because cried too much before service. :/ Gosh I hate the post-cry feeling. Annoying much.

Yesterday's service was an eye-opener. I opened up to Anna a little after service too, and hung out with Care after the service and it was really nice. I'm sorry Jerald, for not trying harder previously. They seem like really nice people who make an effort to talk to me too. And I know I will learn to trust them and lean on them when something really happens. Anyway, Anna had all my problems during her years as a student, and she totally taught me to rest in God's favour for me. And I know it'll be possible because a my bible says so. My Daddy told me that everything is going to be all right as long as I trust in Him my God. :)

Why should I bother about people who talk about me behind my back and whom may say stuff that are untrue about me? I'm afraid because I'll never know what they might say, and I never know what I might have done to offend them. I'm afraid because I'll never know if I'll appear hypocritical in front of them. Yet I let all these fears take me away from Daddy, I didn't turn to Him for refuge, yet this week I kept drawing from my own strength to try and resolve all these issues on my own. To try and not get affected by what he said to me. And then by human strength it is always impossible, and I get tired and weary. Then I allow the devil to place obstacles in my life that drains life out of me even further, like my class and my 'friends'. And I make a wrong decision and dwell on it. All these have been me drawing from my own strength instead on drawing on Abba's. It's nice to understand all these and try to get back to my Abba again.

1 Samuel 17:45
Then David said to the Philistine, "... I come to you in the name of the Lord of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied."
I learned the importance of believing and acting on the New Covenant, and I know my Daddy is so faithful that He will never fail me. :) I should start reading the Daily Devotional again, laziness gets you nowhere JY! I need to restate my firm faith in God. Anna asked where were my great expectations I had in God the first time she talked to me, where my bubbly self was, and where my strong faith was. I didn't know too. Sometimes we let what others do or say wash away our passion, for God, or for serving. Gosh, talking to Anna makes me grow up a whole lot.

"Guardian Baby, it is my job to worry about you. I also miss you because now I really want to see you in person. :) 'I'll be there for you through it all'" AWW. Gosh, stop making me melt. :/ Best is the best too (pun unintended). :) "Do you want a hug?" and "love you too" made me feel better. Stupid jokes made me laugh like no tomorrow. Jerald's lameness and company tided me through the crying and stoning before service. Randolph's worries and texts, I really thank you. :)

I'll always be in safe hands and will get home safely, don't worry about me people.

I miss a phone with a keypad. -.-

I've got a lot more to say, but it isn't going to come out here. This week and the new life is going to be a breeze because now I've got Daddy, stronger than ever, behind me. :) Don't worry, despite the random crying and "wanting-to-die" these few days, I am strong and I will live for so many people. :) Even though it may seem like everything is against me, GOD IS PREPARING ME FOR A BLESSING! :D I can't wait.

LOVEEEEEE

I wanna fly, looking in your eyes. :)

Thanks ah SeanF

2008-05-18T02:07:00.002+08:00

SeanF, Randolph, Guardian Angel, Maddy, Jerome.

SeanF and Randolph complains that I do not blog enough about their good sides. So now here I am blogging about them as I'm conferencing with them. Funny much. :)

SeanF
Thanks for calling me first thing when I talked to you online. Thank you for being worried and being a bastard to me anyway. :) Thank you for always being there. Thank you for trying to tell me everything and clear all my doubts I have for you. Yes, you're a nice person when you're not being mean, you can be nice and listen to me but you don't help much. HA. It's nice to know that you're worried when I cried and it's nice to know that you call when you know I need you. For being such a good friend every time, for drawing close in such a short time and letting me lean much of my weight on you. For offering to go to church with me when I don't feel like going with Care, for always replying my messages (most of the time) almost instantly, albeit all one-word, for letting me say you're 'rubbish' most of the time, for offering to go window shopping during GSS, for making me not think of stuff that bothers me. :) SeanF, you're definitely treasured as a good friend. I will trust in you and what you said to me (BUT YOU LIED TODAY LAH YOU FIDIOT!). :) Long already, keep being mean to me on the phone, make me have less things to say about you. Yong Don ah Yong Don. :D

Randolph
It's been a short time, but I know you try to be there. Thank you for the M&Ms just because I told you I ran out of cash, thank you for being retarded and texting when I was tired and sad. :) You're a good friend luh, I don't know what else to say. HA.

Guardian Angel
WHAT ELSE MORE TO SAY ABOUT YOU!?
Guardian Angel is all mine. :) And he's the best friend I can ever get, because he's always there, he's everything. I don't know what I'd do if you're gone. :( Aiyah, yours nothing to say already. But don't be worried for me, Guardian Baby is fine. <3

Maddy
Thank you for feeling indignant for me and telling me he's a dick who's not worth it. :) Because girl power felt a bit good. :) Thank you Maddy. Two years and running friends. We'll make it through together.

Jerome
"My phone is on 24/7. Anything call me." :)
Thanks. Jerome, please cheer up from whatever that's happening. You're not an asshole or a jerk. You're a nice guy. Really. I believe what you have to say and I understand. Thanks for always being there with me during Council. With Steffi. Everything is so much more fun with you two around. Can't imagine Council without you.

<3
Yes SF and R, I am blessed.
:)

Would you let me stay awhile?

2008-05-17T23:55:00.004+08:00

It's over, look out below
and I'm wasted, I still taste it
Yeah it's so hard to let go
So breathe in now, and breathe it out
The forecast; A car crash
It's looking like another
Breakdown, rebound
This could be my last goodbye
You crossed your heart, I hope to die

And I can't deny your eyes
You know I tried to read between the lines,
I saw a warning sign
And then you threw me up against the wall
Who said that it's better to have loved and lost?
I wish that I had never loved at all

No rewinds, no second times
I won't break, I won't waste
Everything you left behind
So don't follow, just let it go
But the weather's been better
don't let it be another
Breakdown, rebound
This could be my last goodbye
You crossed your heart, I hope to die

And I can't deny your eyes
You know I tried to read between the lines,
I saw a warning sign
And then you threw me up against the wall
Who said that it's better to have loved and lost?
I wish that I had never loved at all

All the nights I spent sitting at home
While you were out there on your own
All the nights I waited by the phone
while you were going it alone
And all your different faces
And all your different ways
of making everything a mess
(And all I'm saying is that)
all your different places and
All the complications laid to rest

And I can't deny your eyes
You know I try to read between the lines,
I saw a warning sign
And then you threw me up against the wall
Who said that it's better to have loved and lost?
I wish that I had never loved at all

And I can't deny your eyes
You know I try to read between the lines,
I saw a warning sign
And then you threw me up against the wall
Who said that it's better to have loved and lost?
I wish that I had never loved at all..

HA. :) I'm OK, really. It's not the first time. The previous time used to be "Teardrops on my Guitar". HAHA. Silly JY. :)

This needs to go somewhere else. So I deleted the entire chunk. :)

Gosh.

2008-05-17T08:42:00.003+08:00

Yesterday was horrible.

I guess I really can't take such stuff well. Maybe I really did do something, I cannot say for sure, and forgot about it. But for now I don't know what I exactly did, so I'm just going to be normal and try to not get affected by what he told me, because he didn't tell me much anyway. But I kept mum, only got more emo. They're all afraid I'd slit my wrist and die so I had Jerald texting, BestieK calling, Chuan MSNing, Nathan's call, SeanF and Randolph's calls and Baby's encouragement. Thank you people. Really, in an attempt to make me feel so much better about myself and about the day.

But baby says that "This will all pass. And you will become stronger."

Perhaps I'd learn something from all of these. That I may be more careful with my words, be more cautious about who I'm friends with, and wary of my actions and stuff. Knowingly or unknowingly, I'm sorry. I truly am. Because I don't know what you perceive me as now, but I am still sorry if I hurt you in any way.

From now on, studies shall be the main thing in my life. Studies and working hard in Council. That's all. I don't want to get involved in anything else anymore. "Don't tell me already, don't tell me already" HAHA.

:D I love Jerome being retarded, and SeanF being idiotic and Randolph being a meaner and Nathan being such a sweet thing and Chuan being my Guardian Angel and Baby being my beloved husband and Jerald being my Care Group Leader.

<3

Horrible

2008-05-16T20:11:00.003+08:00

I may really close down my blog. :( Or move it away to somewhere nobody knows. Because Guardian Angel is right, if I post it on my blog I'll keep it mind that people will read it anyway. But today was a really bad day, a bad end to a bad week. Gosh, I'm tired.

I've got a lot I feel like I want to say, but I don't know what to say. There's just this freaking sinking sensation deep in my heart, and I can't stop the tears. It's really bad. :( Gosh. Once Chuan left me on the bus today, the tears just came. I'm sorry I try to be strong in front of all of you, but in front of Jerald and Kenji I've got no more holding back. I wanted to meet Best today to cry and stuff, because he's the only one I can do that to, but I guess life doesn't always go our way. I want to sit somewhere and cry my heart out. I really need the cry.

I'm sorry, Chuan, I know you try to cheer me up so badly, but you'd be worried anyway because you'd know I'd cry at home anyway. But please take care of yourself, you're my idol fast runner and you cannot injure yourself! If you injure yourself then I how?! :( Sigh. I don't know. Gosh heart pain.

I don't want to care about what other people think, because it's not the truth. What everyone assumes is not the truth. I know my class has been teasing about me and Chuan, a lot of people think we're very scandalous, meeting during breaks, having lunches and sitting together during lectures, but isn't that what friends do? Just that he's a guy. :/ Gosh. I love him crazy, and if these rumours are meant to just stop us being friends and force us to distance ourselves, then it's really a huge loss. Because without Chuan a huge part of me would be missing. :( He's always there, never failing.

I can't freaking sign into MSN. :(

Tomorrow's College Day. And mom's birthday.

I'm tired luh. When I said whatever, I really meant for it to be over. I didn't expect a reply, though my heart was willing one. Sandra said never to fall in love with a guy who sweet talks, but I'd prefer that to you now. The distancing, the cooling, then the niceness and concern. The tiniest bit of concern from you can make me "aww" louder than everyone's sweet texts and hugs. But you don't seem to give that often, do you? I find myself trying again and again. I'll never get the hang of such shit. It was the same with excrush, me giving and the other one just receiving but never mine. It's this stupid cycle that I'll have to go through, then I'll break free and be alone and independent. I'm close to Chuan and stuff, because it's not like I had a choice. You didn't really care about me, there were stuff going on with the bimbos, and I was all alone. Guardian Angel is the sweetest man I've ever met and I'm certain we'd be friends for ages.

type so much all disappear.

my feelings are indescribable.

byebye world.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY :)

2008-05-15T19:31:00.003+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SISTER :)

Today was tiring. I don't want to compare, but I don't know, from what I'm hearing, I'm the only one getting all these problems. It's not that I want to be fierce, that I want to nag, but I've exhausted all my patience, sent multiple reminder mails to you guys, and just want you guys to pass up a freaking SA Schedule and a Giro form. I told you guys since the beginning of the week and said it was due Thursday latest. But today a lot of people still ignored me. :( And attitude-d me. For nothing! I may be Class Chair, but I am human too. I have feelings too. And doesn't mean I'm nice you can take advantage of it and when I'm mean you can bitch about me that I'm fierce and all. Because I really didn't. It was just today I was so upset I almost cried. Until GA came. :)

I was very very upset because I loved A04 so dearly and today there was everything like, "You're scary" or ignores. Because I really try to bond with everyone. And although it doesn't always work, I'm still trying my best. It's the same with a lot of people, they don't draw near to me no matter how hard I try. But never mind, I have the power of the Lord.

I need to study harder and do a lot more things.

"他是你的谁？"
"Guardian baby."
:) Aww, I didn't know he remembered my rubbish luh! :D
<333333 style="font-style: italic;">luh, I love you guys to bits too :)

Had very bad gastric today. Just texted "I'm hungryyyy. :(" to Chuan and he offered to buy food for me. AYE MY GA ROCKS MY SOCKS LAH. But I bought it myself lah. :) HAHA. Funny lah.

Council meeting then home. Very tired yo. :(

Tired of all that's happening. That I'm trying and getting all the blame.
Gosh.

Guardian Angel

2008-05-14T18:52:00.002+08:00

My Nuffnang ads are having problems. :/ I'm one-fifth to the quota before I get my money, so please don't screw up, dear ad!

Today was a good day. :) Sandra bimbo, please cheer up all right? Don't listen to emotional songs and get more and more emo. But BestieK, I was replaying Remembering Sunday on my nano today in the library, and I got more and more emo. :( Plus plus plus, the rainy weather made the day even worse. Gosh, so emo people, please cheer up all right!

Brunched and lunched with Guardian Angel today. :) Brother, you make me smile, you know that! You don't sweet-talk like other guys do, but small actions prove you're a real caring guy and you're really too good to lose. I'm so blessed to know someone like you, you're the bestest friend ever, and you're always there for me. But just remember, that I'm always here for you too, because family doesn't leave. :) Don't be afraid that you'll affect me with your mood, because I will smile at you till you smile, and I will look at your 'beautiful eyes' and tell you everything is going to be all right, OK? So we'll share the burdens, chiong Mathematics and Chinese together and stay strong. Stef's jealous of me because I have you! :D She's desperately looking for a guardian angel too. HAHA. Stef ah Stef, enough already. So many scandals already still not enough! :D CHUAN YOU'RE THE BEST LAH! :)

If I wanted to continue thanking my Guardian Angel it'll never end. Thank you for hitting Jerome's head whenever he's vulgar to me, for risking getting caught and texting me in front of the teachers, for always knowing when I'm not all right, for lunching with me, for laughing with me, for being such a gentleman, for reminding me when I don't hold on to the railings on the bus, for keeping my Post-it so dear in your wallet, for taking the rubbish squeezy bus 27 with me (though you could have taken 34), for sitting next to me during China Studies lessons, for running so fast and being my idol, for always being rational and knowing what to do next, for being strong and carrying the metal ball with one hand, for being humorous and making me laugh when I need the laugh... CHUAN! :D

The best guy ever, if he gets a girlfriend and abandons me I'm going to be real jealous. :P But I know he'll always be there, and I'll always be there for him. :)
"Cus I don't want you to think I'm trying to go into your life."
"You're already in my life."

Ah, blessed much. First BestieK, then Chuan! :D I have changed opinions about guys from St. Gabs. :)

DIGRESS DIGRESS.

"Just like you sweeter than the sweetest honey, more colorful than the rainbow and brighter than the sun brightening my day everyday"
AWW. :)

College Day rehearsal was fine :) PE was good except for bad bad bad menstrual cramps and wet bag/uniform due to the rain. Ah, and I don't know what to text you. I'm sorry if I sound distant and cold, but I don't want expectations (and variance, HAHAHAHA) and I don't know what to do. I sound like a confused little kid but I really don't know what to do with you. :)

I'm clean 'k, not scandalous at all. Unlike, all my friends. HA.

G'bye dearests, gotta go bathe. HAHA.

CHEERBEAR!

2008-05-13T20:46:00.004+08:00

CHEERBEAR! :D

Pretty please. :) Anyway, today was a really funny day. I'm going to write all of it down before I forget.

"ONE LARGE POPCORN CHICKEN."
"YOUR 'AWW' IS CUTE."
"I ASK MY BOYF BEAT YOU AH!"
"WE GOT RASHES LAH SIR."
"MY EYES ARE BEAUTIFUL."
"J1.5 LAH YOU."
"JUST BECAUSE I'M NOT G."

Funny luh. I know I'm dumb when I choose to believe in _F. But I don't know, I think it was a good try to come and win my trust by calling and trying to answer all my questions till late into the night though we had church early the next day. It was a good try to look me in the eye and say no, nothing happened. If it's good acting, then I'll Although I trust the other person a lot a lot too, I don't know, maybe for now I'll believe in _F. It's all biasness isn't it? That you believe in _L and I believe in _F. Hmm. For now, till he proves me wrong.

My Aww is now worth a lot because someone thinks it's cute. :D Amelia is crazyyyy and threatens me. :( "You got boyf meh?" - "Salim doesn't need to know." HAHA. I'm sorry I kicked your damaged ligament today Chuan. :( SORRY! Really. Gosh. I'm such an idiot. I'm cute and hot OK. HAHA.

Random stuff all in a paragraph.

I GOT AN S-SIZED BLAZERRRRR *runs around*

Chuan, thank you. Thank you for asking me "are you OK?" when I think you could see I really wasn't. But I was as the day progressed, because you cheered me up. :) Thank you for caring and being there though you're troubled by your own problems. Thank you for sending sweet texts to me because you know I need it. You said you were quite sad when you saw me like that, but I'M OKAY BROTHER. :) I'm OK. Family, yes? :D I swear you'll get post-its till your wallet bursts!

And keep your heart-shaped paper clips safe, babies. :)

My new GP teacher is pretty luh! I swear the guys with raging hormones will all swoon over her. But she's got a boyf already. HAHA. Poor Wayne. Her boyf liked her since Primary 5 and they got together since Secondary School! :D GOODNESS LAH. Fairytale in the cityyyyy. :) SEE LAH PEOPLE FAIRYTALES EXIST. :D

I had a lot to say actually. HAHA. FORGOT ALREADY. Shit, baby, all because of your Short-Term Memory luh, pass to me! TSK.

Oh yes, Nathan's a meanie. HAHA. :) OK luh I stop PMS-ing to you soon. Soon. HA.

Byebye world.

BESTIEK I'M STARTG T LOVE TH SONG. :)
"Have you seen this girl?
She's been running through my dreams,
And it's driving me crazy it seems,
I'm gonna ask her to marry me."

All Time Low - Remembering Sunday
He woke up from dreaming and put on his shoes
Started making his way past
Two in the morning
He hasn't been sober for days

Leaning now into the breeze
Remembering Sunday, he falls to his knees
They had breakfast together
But two eggs don't last
Like the feeling of what he needs

Now this place seems familiar to him
She pulled on his hand with a devilish grin
She led him upstairs
She led him upstairs
Left him dying to get in

Forgive me, I'm trying to find my calling
I'm calling at night
I don't mean to be a bother
But have you seen this girl?
She's been running through my dreams
And it's driving me crazy, it seems
I'm gonna ask her to marry me

Even though she doesn't believe in love
He's determined to call her bluff
Who could deny these butterflies?
They're filling his gut

Waking the neighbors, unfamiliar faces
He pleads though he tries
But he's only denied
Now he's dying to get inside

Forgive me, I'm trying to find my calling
I'm calling at night
I don't mean to be a bother
But have you seen this girl?
She's been running through my dreams
And it's driving me crazy, it seems
I'm gonna ask her to marry me

The neighbors said she moved away
Funny how it rained all day
I didn't think much of it then
But it's starting to all make sense
Oh, I can see now that all of these clouds
Are following me in my desperate endeavor
To find my whoever, wherever she may be

I'm not coming back
(Forgive me)
I've done something so terrible
I'm terrified to speak
(I'm not calling, I'm not calling)
But you'd expect that from me
I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt
(You're driving me crazy)
Now the rain is just washing you out of my hair
And out of my mind
Keeping an eye on the world
From so many thousands of feet off the ground
I'm over you now
I'm at home in the clouds, towering over your head

I guess I'll go home now
I guess I'll go home now
I guess I'll go home now
I guess I'll go home

I miss you Best.

/edit:
Sorry A05 for being annoyed today. I think others would have been annoyed too. HA. Told Maddy as soon as I got home. -.-

I'm buying a new lanyard. :)

Baby, come on.

2008-05-12T18:50:00.004+08:00

Saved one post I wrote yesterday as draft. I don't know, doesn't seem appropriate. I'm very worried for tomorrow's Chinese test, because I've screwed up all the tests I've done so far. Economics, Mathematics, General Paper... Gosh. :( What is happening? For all you know I would get retained or something. The thought is scaring me.

From tomorrow onwards I'm going to hide in the library alone during breaks and start studying for my Mids. My Economics sucks, my GP sucks. Ah, just great man. I shall stop being negative. I was so emo at school today. I'm going to run the last lap before my Mids, anyone wants to run with me? :D

"I can't run :( But I will walk with you."

Sigh, no lifer (me) has to go bathe and then start mugging for Chinese already. :( When the going gets tough, the tough gets going. Yes, you're tough and strong JY.

I can't believe I texted him. Gosh. Something's wrong somewhere. Expecting too much from too little. JY you're dumb. Just fall back and not initiate anymore. :D Maybe you'll find a better one elsewhere. When I don't say anything much, everyone says I give the signal like I'm moving on to other guys and such. Then when I do say something to make you feel special, I get shit. -.- Gosh I'm sick of men. Once Nathan said, "You handle this quite well what.". But I think he's wrong. I think I can't handle it all, and I'm confused by everything that is happening around me. Not only you, but a whole lot of people as well. Ah, I should just be emoshit and sit in a corner with my blanket (HAHAHAHA! Great minds think alike much).

"Nah I'm confused. Don't talk to me luh. All my fault luh."
Never thought something like this could come out from me. EMOSHIT PLEASE. HAHA. Yes yes caring lovely idiots, JY will cheer up because it's her responsibility to make everyone smile. :} I'm no emoshit, and no Nathan, I won't slit my wrist. -.- Funny ah my Pres. HAHA.
But maybe it's all getting a little too much, I'm thinking all these strains in all these relationships is because of me. So it is my fault, in some way or another. :/

"I can't stop you from falling, but I will be there to pick you up :)"
Aww, it's stuff like that that keeps me going.

Maybe we're trying, trying too hard.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY.

2008-05-11T00:48:00.002+08:00

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY. :D

I want to blog about my mother, but I am so so tired after rushing my homework that I do not have the brain cells nor strength in my fingers to type them all out. Shall do so tomorrow after service.

Anyway, talked to Sandra B. on the phone today and it was really funny. Bestfr the amphibian is really really annoying, and you can go eat shit, seriously, for being so mean to me. But Sandra B and I talked about a lot and it was really quality phone-time. :D Vietnamese luh Vietnamese. WELCOME TO VIETNAM. (gosh, it still cracks me up crazy) I can't really remember the rest of the details but this was most vivid and impressionable. (laughs)

Church really early tomorrow at Kallang. :/ And I'm not asleep yet, good job, JY. Sigh, but it's Mother's Day tomorrow. Shall wake up earlier to get mommy breakfast and stuff. Least I could do. I'm so so so broke. :(

Oh yes, patched things up with the bimbs, because I've decided to give this friendship one more try. :D And Sandra is a real darling.

OK I will only blog about girls from now on? HA.

G'night.

Proudly 23rd.

2008-05-10T14:50:00.002+08:00

Realised I didn't blog at all about my Debrief yesterday. Laughs. I'm getting short-term memory too, thanks to too much hanging out with baby. HA. Anyway, Investiture Debrief yesterday made me love the 23rd even more, because now more and more people are opening up, and they are getting more and more fun to be around with. :D I believe in what DJ said too, that politics is ugly and gossips are irritating (I don't know what words he used exactly), so people, stop saying I have bad blood with Kimmy, or whatever else. -.- Because it's so nonsensical and useless, really. I'm cool with the 23rd now, and I'm really beginning to love them. :D Yesterday's Debrief was fun and I really learned a lot.

Me&Tuffy (a.k.a. Yong Liang) yesterday
*bends over to see who I'm messaging*
J "Stop looking at my boobs luh!" (HA, deliberate because my phone was like there and he was trying to peep)
Y "HUH, what?"
Clar "What did you say!"
*Yong Liang runs to the fifth row of the LT*
Y "Got boobs meh? WHERE?"
HAHAHAHAHA.
And they continued this joke randomly throughout the debrief. HA.
RUBBISH LAH.
AYE I GOT BOOBS OKAY! RUBBISH.

Tuffy keeps touching his tuff of hair throughout the debrief. And he sits like he's at the KPT. Goshhhh ah Tuffy. HAHA.

Anyway, just returned from a haircut. No major changes -.- I think KC talks more than he cuts, so nothing much, just my fringe shorter and my back like, same length. GROW HAIR GROW. The biggest mistake I made in my life was cutting my hair short. :/HAHAHA. Exaggerated much.

Shall blog more later, homework now!
CHUAN & JOEL GET WELL SOONNNNN PLEASE. :(

That was yesterday

2008-05-09T20:42:00.003+08:00

Yesterday was an emotional roller-coaster. And this morning was worse. Now I truly know where I stand amongst the girlfriends, and how little faith they had put in me. Now I don't really know who's telling me the truth and who's lying, don't tell me "it's up to me to choose who to believe", because you're all saying different things and I can never imagine what's been said behind me every time I turn my back. I loved you girls crazy, but I've never expected this to happen. And I've never expected so many people to care for me.

I miss Chuan and Nathan when they're not here with me. :D Go awwww.
"You're sweeter than honey"
"I'd rather spend the sad times with you than happy times with others"
"I used to think Councillors were _, till I met someone :)"

Jerald, Randolph and Phileas, you guys made my day too. :D Made me smile.
"Cheer Up Girl"
"Don't be sad Girl"

Gosh, friends. :D Coincidences are a funny thing too, ain't it?

Post-its for loved ones. :D I drew some for the bimbos, but no, I didn't regret it. For Angela, Chuan, Benj, and then now for SeanF, Randolph and Jerald. I feel so so so blessed. Daddy put me here for a reason, when I thought the girlfr's were my blessing, perhaps this incident is a blessing in disguise. It showed me who my true friends were.

Angela Baby, the retarded moments with you are really really treasured. ILY. :D

/edit:
I'm still thinking about it luh.
I love you babes. Really a lot. It's just that so much has happened, and when you think about it carefully, it's as if nothing has happened. I don't know how to explain it too. :(

I don't know what to do now. I'll be asking God...

G'night.

Sucky.

2008-05-08T19:36:00.002+08:00

I don't knohat to do with you...
I don't know...

But firstly, there are a few lovelies who were there with me today because I was so freaking emo after I heard all that's been said. Gosh, you guys show me what true friends are, and showed me that you really cared. I'm really really really really really touched. Chuan, who replied me almost instantly when you saw my :( and told me you were all ears. Who made me laugh and smile so much during Math and after Math because I was emo. 'I rather spend the sad times with you than happy times with others'. And I'm honored to be in your second circle of friends. :} Keep that smiley on your arm yes? Nathan, who texted me 'cus I said I was sad, and tried to cheer me up and all. For your freaking gay actions during Math lecture, for your unstyled hair, for you being President. You're always there for me no matter what, and if you were a girl I'd hug you till you suffocate. :D Angela, who hugged me when she saw something was immediately wrong. Who was there for me through it all. Through the good and the bad times. Angela my baby you're the best friend I could ever get. :} I really love you to freaking bits. MaddyW, who hugged me first thing you heard about what she did, and accompanied me to sit at the audience stand talking. I love you to bits too, and I hope with all my heart you'd cheer up. Benj, who replied me instantly and tried to check if I was OK. SeanF, who gave me lotsa and lotsa advice about the entire issue, who made me feel like I could count on someone even if it falls down, and just for being there everyday and being lame. Sandra, who tried to cheer me up. I'm sorry I didn't reply you. But I still love you lots. JamieQ, who was there to hug and hug me when I needed you. Who offered endless "cheer-ups" and "not-worth-its". Who was there for me always when I needed you. :}

First time I cried for a friend I put so much faith and trust in. I cried in the canteen, and I don't normally cry in public. I guess I was wrong all these while. I'm sorry for being a burden to you and make you feel as if I'm putting you down. I'm sorry for being such a bad friend to you. I'm sorry for hurting you if I did in any way. I'm sorry for trying too hard to be there for you.

I'm stepping outta this friendship for a little while (or maybe forever). I hate to end it, because I love you girls crazy. Really, with all my heart. But it seems like circumstances prove that I can't ever be the same closeness as I were to you in the past. And as much as it hurts, I'm going to stop imposing on you and get out of it, like I think you want me to. Really. But I loved hanging with you for the two months plus. I will miss all the sweet texts, post-its and such. :D 'Cus you guys were one bunch of besties I could never find elsewhere. Really.

"even the best fall down sometimes"
I hope you'll be OK and you'll find your happily-ever-after. I don't want to see you hurt.

"Trust in the Lord and He will perform your miracles"

Proverbs 17:17 "A friend loves at all times." That friend is God.
John 14: 27 Peace I leave with you; My peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

Yes Lord, I am not afraid of what is going to come, because You are with me. One of my favorite quotes by Jesus from John, one that brought me through many friendship problems.

TOMORROW'S FRIDAY :D
And I know it will be a good day. :D Because I have so many lovelies behind me supporting me yo. GOSHHHHH I FEEL LOVED TODAY.

"Baby can I hold you tonight"
"Cus I need you more than just for tonight"

Sianned.

2008-05-07T18:23:00.004+08:00

I feel like I'm behind on schoolwork. All the compiling and noting down of significant news articles and stuff. I've been reading so much but remembering so little. Great job, JY, really great job. :( I'm so so so worried for GP, and I'm really only starting to revise my Chinese. Gosh, what's wrong with me? JY, you need to work harder than this. Gosh.

I realised maybe my feelings are fading or somewhat. I'm not sure too myself. But it's just I DON'T KNOW LAH. JY too many scandals luh. HAHA. We were talking about scandals during the ushering today, with Jerome and Stef, and quite funny uh. Identifying scandals and talking about them. HA. :D Scandaling for too long with one guy, should start moving on to greener pastures. HA. Ah well. Just realised I have to do my Chinese essay after all (the thought of slacking. Gosh, JY!) And _ and _ are just bloody jerks that need to have their penises cut off. -.-

A bit tired, keep oversleeping on the bus and need people to wake me up at the interchange. :/ Embarrassing much, but I can't help it. And now I'm stressing out on all that needs to be done and all that I haven't done... Shit. It's killing me. :/

Sometimes I don't know if I miss you or not, but sometimes I just get sick of the feeling and of myself. Gosh.

Aye I'm super tired. But I will chiong chiong chiong everything today. Chinese essay, then GPP, then study Math. If I have time (should be have!) I'll compile the FREAKING LOT OF NOTES I have for GP for my external collection. D:

JY wants to slit her wrist and die. HAHA.

/edit:
OK I'm not so stressed up now.
Anyway, I realised I keep exploiting people to treat me food on my piggy days recently. Half-forced Nathan to treat me a chocolate muffin today during ushering. HA. SORRRRRRRY PRES. Laughs. But he did treat me, main point yo.

Chuan's Strepsils, Kenji's Starbucks+Breadtalk+Peach Tea, Kenji's Ice-Cream, Nathan's Fries, Jerald's Fries+Nuggets, Nathan's Chocolate Muffin.
GOSHH HOW MUCH FOOD HAVE YOU CONNED JY!
HAHA.

And I've heard so much about you from your/our friends. Gosh. Guys are really pervertic, aren't they! HAHA.

Oh yes, and you. I think you're just one of his scandals, but no one dare tell you. When I heard Stef and Jerome talking about him today, everyone felt like they were the MAIN girl in his life, and he liked them. Truth is, he told the same thing to everyone. Every single girl. And everyone knows what you've done for him and such.
Gosh, sucha jerk.

Trusting guys is a burden yo. :/

/EDITEDIT:
I WANT T BECOME A FEMINIST.
I HATE THE MONSTER DAD.
I HATE HATE HATE HATE HIM. AND ALL THE RAPISTS. BUT HE'S SENT FROM HELL.
http://xiaxue.blogspot.com/ FIRST ENTRY.
GOSHHHHH : ((((
FEEL SO SAD FR TH GIRL. : (((
REALLY HORRIBLE.
HORRIBLE X 1000000000000000000000000000000

AHH I WNA CRY ALRE.
BB.

You never fail!

2008-05-06T21:06:00.002+08:00

Today's dinner with BestieK was goooooood, and we could have stayed to talk longer, but gosh, JC students have not much life, so I had to ask him to go home. :( Ah, I miss that guy. But anyway, ice-cream and dinner was really satisfying and good (yes, I know I'm a pig) and today was not bad. :D Waiting for Sandra to talk to me online because apparently there are some stuff I need to know. LAUGHS. I MISS SANDRA BIMBO! :D Today I was a little hurt again, gosh. I am getting a bit... I don't know.

Gosh, it hurts when you bitch. Really.

Your love, for me, it never fails it never fails!

Forgot to get tickets for BestieK for Hillsongs. :((((((( Shall ask Jerald for tickets if he has any extra. Just ONE...

Anyway, gotta go do GP. :D
Gosh, and here it goes, all over again.

Give You praise!

2008-05-05T22:15:00.003+08:00

Yo, I'm only going to be online for maximum one hour daily! :D Didn't even want to come online today, but I need to do my GP Vocabulary List, GPP, and print another copy of my PI for Mrs. Wee. Locked myself in my room the entire day since I got back from school, and was highly productive, but could be better. :/ I'm going to plan my schedule using the GEMS Programme Booklet, and then start really hardcore mugging for Mids. :D HEH. I'M EXCITED BY THE THOUGHT! I haven't been hardcore for a really really long time now.

Anyway, RANDOLPH IS FUNNY LUH. Random much.

Oh Sandra babe, I hope I helped you out today. :D Heh, was worried my advice/words won't be useful, but turned out to be not bad after all aight! [laughs] Stay strong all right? I will brave it with you, no matter what it takes and no matter what happens. :} REALLY OKAY.

DIGRESS. Chuan is nice, I love my Strepsils. And they're curing my throat and my voice, so I can sing really loudly to you real soon. :D HAHA.

Seeing BestieK tomorrow after school, will take pictures this time round! :D HEH, CAN'T WAIT. :D Need to buy more files tomorrow, I need to be more organised. :/

Anyway, JY power for all the J1/J2 Chemistry students tomorrow. :D Only for the lovelies all right? The rest can do without. HAHA MEANIE.

To give You praise, in everything I do.
Yeah all the praise goes out to You!

/edit:
To Jex :}

You don't need to stop telling us stuff. We're all dumb for guys, I know. I know about S, I know about myself and AHEM, and I know about you. But sometimes we don't want you to get hurt, that's why we keep rolling our eyes at you and asking you to give up. Because on our side, what we hear is really silly. I've rolled my eyes at S too, ask her to give up and shit, reprimand her about her replies. YOU CAN ASK HER. I treat both of you equally luh, I know it's hard for you to let go and all, but to me, S's trying. No matter she's failing, but she's trying. And she doesn't tell me about TT the entire day. She listens to me a lot, and she tries to help me a lot. When I tell you about AHEM, you just reply me stuff about him (not AHEM). When I needed so much care that period of time, only S replied me what I needed. And she wanted to help me get over AHEM. Until AHEM made a move. So yes, that explains why. Because sometimes all you talk about is him, and it really hurts. That's why we're distancing.

S always puts me first, even though she has her own problems. Likewise, I try to ask her about HER STUFF first before making sure she's OK, and telling her about mine. She never fails to ask me, "HOW'S STUFF WITH AHEM" even though she might be facing problems of her own. She doesn't put me down but gives me courage. I know, I feel bad when I put you down about HIM too, but from what I hear EVERYWHERE, and see with my own eyes, he's not freaking worth it. He's such a shit butt (gosh, no kick luh use butt) and such a gay. IDK how, I know it's hard, but I think you need to ponder on why we roll our eyes at him and stuff. Really... I mean, we wouldn't do it for nothing.

Even though you think we won't.
But we still stand firm.
We're here for you through the end, even if we get irritated some time or another, we are still here. Even though sometimes we might not agree on your thinking, we might not see eye-to-eye with you, we're still here. We don't feel that you're dumb, even if you might assume. I feel that you're silly, blinded by love. But that's not wrong. But that doesn't mean love should become the 'everything' in your life. When all you talk about to me is him already. I mean, I talk about a lot of guys. HAHAHAHAHA. SORRYYYYY.

Joking luh. I still love you no matter what you think. And you can ask a lot of people. No matter what I think, or what you do to me, I'll still be here for you. I've told that to a lot of people, even though I get annoyed sometimes, but I'm still there. That's why sometimes I'm annoyed but I text you too. If that means anything to you.

Oh well.
Bye.

:D

2008-05-04T11:32:00.003+08:00

Church later, again, I know. But I really prefer main service, so I don't wanna miss Sunday. :D Feel like reading Genesis this week but can't seem to find the time. I have to ask Daddy for the time again. :/ Anyway, I've been up and running since 7:00 trying to finish my essay questions and Visual Orgs for Economics... And I haven't been very productive but it's the best I can do. Now I have 20 more minutes before I return to my China Studies readings and start my essay question. :/ Then I'll have to do some GP before I can sleep...

And gosh, the weather's crazy.

David Aw is cute. :D For once our taste the same ah. Laughs. Don't obsess luh TJX, I would've snatched him from you if it was the past, but I'm gonna stay faithful and un-superficial. HAHA. GOSH! I can't wait for Tuesday, because I'm meeting BestieK again after school. :D We end school at the same time on Tuesdays. Dude, we should make this a tradition. :} I'm dreading tomorrow, when I love school and miss so many people, I don't know why, I'm dreading tomorrow. :/ It's tiring you know, supporting and stuff. I'm so glad I have all of you behind me.

AND CHUAN AH CHUAN. *sayangs Chuan*

I think I'll blog more when I'm back home from church. Shan't study with JeraldK today. Will rush to church and rush home immediately after that. ;)

Forever begins tonighttttt :D

/edit:
Service today wasn't that bad :D Good, in fact. SING YOUR PRAISE TO YOUR LORDDDDDD YOUR FATHER :D

Anyway.
We're all tired I think. I'm quite sure I'm not the only one tired of you, after today. Hmm, sets me thinking. "You'll know when you know her better..." Maybe it's really coming true, no? Gosh. Gosh. Gosh. The ironyyyyyyyy.

JeraldK's raging hormones is getting on my nerves. HAHAHAHA. Gosh.

Bye.

Heh.

2008-05-03T22:15:00.004+08:00

I'm sorry if I sound different when I talk to you nowadays, I'm truly sorry. I feel our friendship is different, that we are distancing, but no matter what I do, it doesn't draw back to the close level it was. And I believe I'm not the only one. But I don't want to be distant. As much as I am tired, I believe we will support you through the very end. Because I don't know what I can do otherwise, either.

Anyway, thank you Sandra Bimb. :} For being there whenever, whatever, and being truly bimbotic. :D Thank you for your big mouth, for your sweet texts and always putting me first when I talk to you about stuff, and encouraging me a whole lot. :D I love you a lot, really a lot. And I miss you even though I just saw you today! :D You brighten up my day. And tell Chester I think he's really cute. HAHA. Although you can't be at The Zone with me, but it's OK, service, service all right. :D Pretty babe, we'll stand strong no matter what people say, we'll be there for each other no matter what happens, all right? I love you a lot.

BestieK thinks my bimbs and I overuse the 'love' thing. Ah well.

We won't forsake our friends for guys all right babes? :D I know we can do it. I know we can.

Was talking to BestieK the other day about guys abandoning me after they got their girlfriends, including *ahemMervahem*. Talked to Merv yesterday and I really miss it x 100, but we didn't talk much. Yez, I know now laopo and all so no time for me already right. Tsk. Never mind. I always knew, I always knew. HAHA. :} Anyway, dude, you're the closest guy friend I ever had apart from Kenji, and you know my most embarrassing moments and my whatever shit emotions you've been through it all with me, you've been through all the most important events in my life (O Level and shit), and I know you'll be so so so dear to your girlfriend, and I'm really happy for you. But let's take time out to talk to each other, OK! I know I'm busy with school and you're busy with girlfriend-ing, but still. IMY. :D

Ken, no 'no promises'. No abandoning of me even if A_ wants you. HAHA. :D SEVEN YEARS ALL RIGHT.

I think I'm not used to Youth Service. I like Main Service. :D

Now that everything's fine with AHEM and stuff. But I'm suddenly dreading school (and JY doesn't ever dread school). I think it's the homework and the Council, but I will live through this. :D Because I've got so many people to cushion my fall, I know I'll never fall hard. :} Thank you, lovelies. Really.

'Cus you know I'd walk a thousand miles if I could just see you, tonight. :}

Carebearrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
And I miss the Lollipop / Ice Cream moments. :D
HAHA.

JY misses you!

Phileas/JY rubbish. HAHA.
P "What's your favorite color?"
J "Red"
P "For?"
P "Passion?"
J "ELMO"
P "LOL"
HAHHAHA.

I think I'm retarded.

Time.

2008-05-02T19:54:00.002+08:00

This week, I've really learned that I need to manage my time properly. So I'm going to finish Economics today and do my China Studies readings and GP. I'm not going to procrastinate anymore. :D I'm going to chioooooong. I can do it. :}

To Chuan:
You're the best luh. :D I'm glad I knew you in TPJC, through Kenji or without. Thanks in advance for the Strepsils, and you're a really good friend. I love it that you're always there for me whenever I text / MSN, although I know you're struggling with your own problems right now. No matter how much I think she isn't worth it, I know how much you like her and how much you can sacrifice for her. I really know. And I envy her, because you're really selfless when it comes to her. Gosh Chuan, you rock. :} Please cheer up, though I know coming from me it isn't much, but really. "I'll be there for you, when you need somebody", and "keep holding on, 'cus you know you'll make it through, just stay strong, 'cus you know I'm here for you". And I'll never leave. :D Thanks Chuan. Really. I'm pissed that she hurt you, but I know you'll never want me to blame her. Gosh. Silly much.

I digress.

Today we were really sick at the Polyclinic OK. One too cold, one too hot. :/ Lots of medicine and referral to National Skin Centre (or whatever it's called) and MC. Then we went studying, was quite productive, and went for Over Her Dead Body. :D Woah, really good please. Funny, but I was expecting it to be a little sadder. HAHA. Anyway, $6 only. So much more worth it than Hansel and Gretel please ($8.50!!!!). I love Cathay Cineplex! :D

I love Patient Angela Lim Please Proceed to Level One Room Twelve. <3

And I like MCPs. HAHA. Weird me. :D I don't care. And Angela loves old men. (gives weird look)

Why do I feel unsure when you're being nice? Gosh. I'm such a bitch. I hope it all turns out right. And Jerald Kng you idiot boy please reply my freaking texts. STUDY WHAT SHIT. SAY STUDY THEN DON'T REPLY ME. Wah, you good. Tomorrow you're deaddddddddddddd. HAHA. OK LUH LATER HE SAY I KEEP SAYING HE'S UGLY AND MEAN. JERALD KNG YOU'RE CUTE AND NICE OKAY. CUTEEEEEEEEE OKAY. (AHEM)

Youth tomorrow, can't wait. :}
Maybe if you were in Christ. I need to search deeper. HAHA.

KENJI IS SUPER FUNNY.
K"Think some more luh, think of AHEM, think I don't know."
J"Who's AHEM? WHO AH? Can't remember leh."
K"SEARCH DEEPER."

HAHAHAHAHA.
Gosh Bestie joke much. HAHA.

KENJILEOWTHEBEST.

2008-05-01T23:03:00.003+08:00

/EDIT:
AYE BESTIEK SAID IT SOUNDED LIKE A DATE. HE SCARED A_ JEALOUS. HAHAHA. OK I'M FULL OF RUBBISH. YEA LUH YOU DON'T LIKE HER LAH. HAHA. IT'S NOT A DATE LAH OKAY. I CLEAR UP NOW. IT'S A FRIEND UNION SHIT. HAHA.

Aye, today proves why I'm friends with BestieK for seven years. :D BestieK you rockkkkk.

BestieK treated me to Choc Frap, Breadtalk and Peach Tea today. :D Happy much! And we sat to watch the stars. Funny how the stars are always pretty when we're with each other. Really, the sky was full of stars today. So we sat and chatted. So long since we last did that please. I miss my bestie! Then we listened to sweet songs on his Touch and wasted the night away. BESTIE WALKED ME HOME LUH. I didn't know St. Gabs trained nice young men. :D HAHA. First time bestie so nice to me please, in SEVEN YEARS!

I don't know I don't know I don't know. I'm confused. I deleted your number, but it appears as your name again. Gosh.

★JEX! :] says:
AHEM's class!
★JEX! :] says:
: D
!♥ELMO says:
hahahah oh i rly dk
!♥ELMO says:
hahaha
!♥ELMO says:
who is AHEM?
★JEX! :] says:
OH!
★JEX! :] says:
my friend!
★JEX! :] says:
i thought i introd you?

LAMESHIT. HAHA. :D
Thank you Kenji. Today was great. :}

Do you, do you wanna lose it all?

2008-05-01T09:14:00.001+08:00

I'm now in love with BoyslikeGirls too, thanks to Nathan. Ha. :D May meet BestieK later for a cuppa, I haven't seen him in ages please. :/ Meeting him = getting reading for suanning. Oh Lord save me, I don't understand why I can be friends with such an idiot for seven years. Laughs. But we always end up arguing nowadays. Sorry Bestie, if my tolerance rate for your suanning is not that high anymore. Never mind, I'll text him later... Anyway, I'm screwed. I didn't do my GP Week 6 Reading Programme because I napped at 8+ and couldn't wake up. Slept till 5.10AM today. Gosh. So screwed. :( Rushing homework now, so I can do a bit of studying. I don't think I can finish the homework anyway. :/

Anyway, I've been doing a lot of thinking. About yesterday, and about a lot of stuff. And I felt a bit disgusted with myself. -.- What happened to me? I don't even know if I want it all now because it just felt weird to be the one initiating and stuff. Why couldn't it be like it is with P and J where everything was natural and I didn't need to be the one who initiated and stuff. Because I don't like the feeling (mighty much) and I'm thinking if I should stop, right here. I don't like this shit. Even when I crushed on G for super long I never had to do so much. And I'm not even crushing now. So eew, enough JY. Not this much. Really.

And I was a bit pissed yesterday, truthfully. Because we decided to spend the day together like way back last week, and you left us for Bestf. But it's OK, we really will support you through whatever and we just hung out ourselves after that anyway. And the constant 'teasing' was a bit too much to bear, because it wasn't teasing anymore, it was as if you guys were throwing me at him, and I really don't like the feeling. Because it's bloody embarrassing and eew. I know I don't really get angry outside, but yeah, it was kinda enough. But I know Bimbs you guys were trying to help and stuff, but naw, I think it sorta makes me think more about everything. It isn't my kind of matchmaking.

Sandra = rubbish. HAHA. But you make me laugh a whole lot.

I have exactly five more minutes before I return to my beloved Chinese poets and my beloved homework. Now two. Gosh. I know I just stoned in front of the computer. HA. But ah well.

What I'm saying is: Do you, do you wanna lose it all?
:D NICE PLEASE.
And sorry all the nine people who talked to me yesterday when I said I would return but didn't tell 5.10AM in the morning. HAHA. :D

Falcon

2008-04-30T19:09:00.002+08:00

I think Falcon sort of screwed up today. :/ Gosh, but I think we did our best. Maybe I'm just used to the way St. Elizabeth rocks and cheers and screams, that I never once thought of how people in St. Helen's / St. Catherine's would feel, but it feels quite bad to be in a team where the people are highly unmotivated, the cheerleading team is not very ... by the rest of the people, and where the people were prepared to take criticisms. Because Heron started one week before the actual day, and they did better than us in terms of synchronization and stuff. High-quality stunts does not gain you success every time. (TOLD YA, HAHA YES CLAR I WNA SAY THAT) But ah well, the people screamed their hearts out after a while. :} Thanks, Falconers. :D

Anyway, went movie-ing with my favorite bimbos and after school (after their freaking GEMS Programme, LAUGHS) and Jex left us for bestf. So bimbo, Benj and I went for dinner and slacked and talked about bimbo stuff before home-ing at around 6pm because F.B. needed to leave. Was an all right day I guess. But Hansel and Gretel full of rubbish (TOLD YOU ALREADY) but Yoshi was fine but Sandra was being such a bitch the whole time. HAHA.

STOP YOUR NONSENSE LAH FAVBIMB! HAHA.

I want to watch Definitely, Maybe luh. Waste my $8.50 today! TSK. Gosh. But been long since I spent quality time with my Bimbs, and today really talked to Sandra quite a lot, though she was such a b-b-b-bear. YEA LAH I AA LAH WHATEVER LADY. HAHA.

Tiring tiring. I want to halt my life and stop for a while... Laughs.
God save me from friends who embarrass me to no end. Laughs.

Council.

2008-04-29T23:13:00.002+08:00

I don't care if you guys think I have no team spirit, I'm always grumpy whenever I'm at practice, or whatever. Because I hate it when everyone tries to be a leader and everyone tries to boss everyone around. Today I really appreciate Council.

Two things I've learned from Council and will always take with me:
Safety first;
Listen to ONE freaking person.

Don't you guys realise? You always end up with a whole lot of freaking ideas and then one idiot will come out and scream at everyone but no one will listen anyway? People get pissed but pretend to be happy (yes, me included)? Pretense, you guys already showed it on your freaking faces. Yes, I'm freaking pissed. Because everyone I've told the story to, told me I was right to stand up and tell you guys about the danger. Even if you guys fall and die it'll be none of my business because I did. And I was right...

Winning isn't everything, you know.

Doesn't mean you fall and die can win also.

I think everyone should not try to act smart. HAHA. But hubby is right, quite amusing to watch. I think Council people are really really encouraging and nice even if you're in the worst of moods and they can make you smile, and not make you feel worse about yourself. Even after the teachers scold us like mad, we can still cheer up after that. For this, it's entirely shit. I know you rock luh (or so you think) and you are pretty (or so you think) and good at everything. But it gets annoying sometimes. AHAHA.

I'm worried I'd screw up tomorrow, the dance and all. Gosh. HAHA.

Shit.
G'bye.

:/

2008-04-28T23:36:00.002+08:00

It's the right choice, because God made it for me.

JY SAYS SORRY TO BANGAR RACHIT, AND THE ENTIRE 23RD STUDENT COUNCIL. It was my responsibility and my job to make sure the Programme Booklet information should get to Rachit and should be printed. I'm very very sorry. Deserve all the scolding. :/ Should have been tighter on what has been happening.

Anyway, work to be done.

I love you guys too, bimbs, though I know I have no time nowadays.
I'll do my best for cheerleading, I swear.

Gosh. After Wednesday, I hope it'll all get better. :D I hope.

Perhaps life's taking a toll on all of us.

2008-04-27T10:46:00.002+08:00

TAN JIE XI (FIRST AND ALWAYS FAVORITE BIMBO)
I'm sorry Girlfr. You'll always be favorite bimbo in my heart. Just that now there are two favorite bimbos instead of one. Because I hold you both so dear, so so dear to my heart. Girlfr, I know this week hasn't been the best for the both of us. I know things are getting a little awkward, but we both don't know why. Perhaps life's taking a toll on all of us, especially me. I know I seem too stressed up most of the time, I know I seem too annoyed most of the time. That's because I'm too preoccupied with schoolwork. I'm so preoccupied with schoolwork that I'm distancing myself with most of my dear ones, and I don't like that. I really hope everything will be better after Wednesday.

I miss the times when we hugged so much when we saw each other. I missed the times when we talked about crap for hours to come. I miss those times when we would gossip and study, eat and drink. :/ It's only been two (going on three) months, but I've felt so attached to the both of you. You guys make my days so much brighter, make going to school feel so much better and make my life so much happier. You know that? You guys really do do that.

Sometimes we all get too preoccupied with ourselves for a while. Perhaps it's a cover from the world, a shelter from everything we want to hide from. But it's okay, as long as we discover it now and rectify it. Instead of letting the relationship slip away from us like sand and not trying to recover it back. Because from what I see, we're all trying. Sandra's lovely, you're now changing back, and I'm trying to let loose myself from schoolwork. It's funny, how things can come all at once. When we're done with men and whatnot, I suppose we'll be back to the bimbo threesome that we all once knew. :D We can work hard together, no?

Sometimes we all get too tired sometimes. Isn't that what the other two bimbos are there for? To support, hold, and catch when one falls. But lately we haven't been doing that much, have we? We try so hard but we're more preoccupied with ourselves than our sisters. So once again, we can start afresh. Because loving friends never felt so good before. I love you guys a lot a lot. And that'll never change. :} We're lovely, smart, and pretty. :D We'll stop putting each other down, have a good laugh, and get back to what we used to be.

Keep holding on,
'Cus you know we'll make it through, make it through,
Just stay strong,
'Cus you know I'm here for you, here for you,
There's nothing you can say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth,
so keep holding on,
'Cus you know I'm here for you here for you.

Love. :}

Second chances.

2008-04-27T00:47:00.002+08:00

Hubby's right. I should stop doing it. And I should revert to being the happy person I am. Thank you, Hubby, Chuan, Kenji, Fisty, NATHAN and Sandra for being there and really listening to me and trying to help me out. Unexpected much. But Nathan makes me smile big time. :} Thank you Nathan. I think you rock, and the 23rd's so going to rock because you're the president. (Not sucking up OK, don't idiotic hor please, HAHA).

Joel please don't emo. You know wife-y and brother loves you the most. :D (Gosh, sounds like an Ah-Lian blog doesn't it, laughs) Hubby please don't emo too. Because it pains me to see you that wayyyyyyyy. :}

Very happy because I got new stationary (yesterday), and also got my Nike bag. Heh. I'm sorry I'm such a spendthrift. Anyway, I don't know what to say to you anymore. I want to learn to take everything you say at face-value. I want to learn to not get affected by whatever is going to happen and whatever that's not. Because no matter what the outcome is, no expectations will give me a softer fall, I guess. I want to draw on your books and make you the Carebear book. :D But I will make for Sandra first. HAHA. :D

Full of rubbish luh me. Cheerleading's getting me a little cranky. I hate slacking doing nothing. :/ I feel so guilty. Felt very unproductive today.

Gosh. My decision's shaken again.
God save me.
Can't wait for Care and Service tomorrow. :D JERALD KENG IS GOING TO MAKE ME LAUGH. :D

Random.

2008-04-26T19:39:00.004+08:00

I'm in love with Lifehouse. :}

Anyway, cheerleading took up almost of all today. :/ Overslept on the bus till interchange again, so went to buy dinner before walking home. :( Need to go to Hougang Mall again later. Bought a new Nike bag. :/ Old design luh, but $17. zzz. Laughs.

I. Need. To. Shop. Or just go out. I have no life. :(

I guess I'm really a bit bitch to C_G. Heh. But aiyah! Don't want text already luh next time. LAALAALAA.

I love Popular. :}
I need to do homework. Deciding whether I should bring my Nike shoulder bag or Strawberry Shortcake bag to school on Monday.

Never felt so right to be so wrong...
PROVE THAT RIGHT T ME LAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gosh.

/edit:
JEX THE GIRLFRIEND BIMBO 1ST BIMBO
As much as I'm worried about Jex attending the other church, I'm sorry luh girlfr. Maybe God had a reason for that. God didn't let you see the best part of my church for a reason. I was surprised they talked so much about One-North and the fundraising during the service that day. I was so embarrassed, because NCC wasn't like that at all. But maybe God had a reason. So go there luh, if you feel comfortable. :} I hope you're really all right. :D I miss you. I want your old self backkkk.

SANDRA THE GIRLFRIEND
Awwww, read your blog.
THANKS :D
As much as I don't know what to do about (huh, who? Don't remember leh. Who ah?), but it's all right. I love you guys more. :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

MISS YOU MISS YOU.
So jealous of you and Chester. Tsk. I wish Chester had a brother. Tsk x10.

Today I was sooooooo bimbotic.
Me: "Where's Mt. Kinabalu? Malaysia ah?" (IDK WHAT MOUNTAIN LAH)
Shawn W.: "Singapore. You know the South side there"
Me: "Huh really!"
Me to Jex: "Shawn say Mount Kinabalu Singapore leh"
Jex: "Walao, you super bimbotic"

HAHAHAHA.

Guys = weird creatures

2008-04-25T22:19:00.002+08:00

NIXON YOU CRAZY AH.
I'm not emo please. Phileas please don't listen to him. HAHA.

Random beginning.
Anyway, guys are complicating shit luh all right. Nothing to say already. Who is C_G ah? Who? Cannot remember! :D

Bad day. Sorta.

Lying on the fieldddddd makes me feel much better all right. : (

Gosh.
Just kill me luh just kill me luh. I don't know luh I don't know luh. (Bimbos laugh. HAHA)

Nah, he's not worthy to die for. HAHA. GOT CUTE AND RICH ONE PLEASE. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I don't know what to say to you, really. I know I'm talking as if I'm keeping a distance from you. I don't know how to do otherwise luh. Complicating shit.

'Cus you live, there's twice as many stars in the sky. :D

Random girls are pretty.

2008-04-24T18:01:00.002+08:00

Five and a half days, to be exact.

Well, today Randolph was really funny at the library. He always makes me laugh out loud, honestly. Joker much. OK your D in Chinese is really good, OK? :D Council people make me happy, some of them anyway. Daniel's random 'twists' and Nathan's eew-ness and Jerome's immoral-ness and Nixon's caring-ness and all that. Aww. Although you guys don't really know it but it brightens up my day. It does, it does! :}

Anyway, this is the first time in how many days that I've been home before 8PM. Hurray. And that's only because I skipped cheerleading. I have too much stuff to complete, will go on Saturday though. Gosh. Should never have signed up, I don't even have time time time for myself. Nowadays I can't even sit for more than five minutes without doing anything. Gosh. :(

There's no one I can talk to about C_G anymore. :/ It feels weird talking about it to everyone. I don't know either. Maybe it's self-denial (ha, so much for talking about others, JY) and maybe it's untrue, but I don't know, it's what I'm left with. Holding on, maybe, but I'll let opportunities for new people to come in. HAHA. :D

Yeah luh I know that Chester is hot. And he's super sweet. WHAT WHAT WHAT. Want make me jealous is it. Yeah luh very jealous luh. HAPPY NOT, FAVORITE BIMBO! :D And I really never pester him lor, really never.

Anyway, JY is mildly annoyed with you-know-who. Have only told three people so far so I don't think many people know. But yes. Very hurtful and annoying. How you put people down and how you reply. I have a temper too. And I bet you Maddy or Fav. Bimbo would have been angry if they were treated like that. Gosh. Yes, no more texting.

Fav. Bimbo is the best 'kay! :D I'm so happy for you.

When so much is right
but so much is wrong.

Time.

2008-04-23T23:05:00.002+08:00

Once again, I wish for time. I pray for time. I need time. Time to sleep, time to catch up on all the homework, and time to finish all the stuff I'm supposed to finish. Time to hang out with friends, time to slack and time to sleep (yes, again). Sigh. I need to go rush the Chinese homework soon. :/

Anyway, I'm sorry I'm drifting apart from so many of you because of my lack of time. I don't know. I don't even feel close to the bimbos anymore. It's as if they have so many problems that can never be solved and I have so much I can't tell too. Sigh, life's getting a toll on all of us.

Five days, going six. Well, we're all letting go on love that weren't possible in the first place, no?! :D

Stay away from all that hurts, that's right... :D I'll be more low-profile at school and at Council...

Gosh, I need energyyyyyyyy.
Won't be attending cheerleading training tomorrow. :/ NO TIME.
GOSH.

Never mind, Sunday.

G'night.

Argh.

2008-04-22T08:31:00.002+08:00

I feel very bad that I wasn't there for my CG's Civics today. I'm so sorry I couldn't help out for the Dialogue Session. And yes, I just want to say a few things about myself these few days, before I really start to study my Economics because I'll be going for the test later, I think, if I can drag myself to Tampines.

I'm sorry I wasn't so much there for you guys because I was so preoccupied with my own tiredness and shit.
I'm very very tired not only because of my Council stuff, my homework, but also because of my prolonged sicknesses. I have been having gastric and diarrhea for a long time now and that's why I didn't go to school today. Abdominal pains all. Have to go and see the doctor again later, something which I really hate a lot.
I'm sorry if you guys think I'm skipping school because I have no time for Economics.
I do have no time. But so many other Councilors too, I'm not the only one. Why should I be special and skip school for Economics? I have to queue at the Polyclinic for three hours later so it doesn't make sense to say that I'm looking for time to do my stuff. I've got no time anyway.

Gosh. I feel very bad that I didn't go to school today and let so many people think stuff of me.
I cried because there were really a lot of things going on at my side of the world, plus the faculty test and the piling homework. Not only because of my academic stuff. Gosh I need someone to talk to! : (

BYEBYE MUCHHHHH. Going to the doc's soon.

MIA

2008-04-21T21:36:00.003+08:00

MIA MIA MIA.
So much to do, so little time. Gosh, I miss my Abba. Abba, I need to find a way back into Your embrace. Abba, Abba.

“全世界，好像只有我疲惫。无所谓，反正难过就敷衍走一回。。。”

Economics. Hope I can finish GP tomorrow. Gosh.

Oh yes.
Thanks Nickson and Nathan. You guys made my day.
I was so so so touched when Nickson came to me and said he missed my smile, and he missed my contagious cheerfulness and laughter which he didn't see these few days.
And he specifically asked me so many times to take good care of myself, because he can see I'm real tired and different.

Nathan, you make me smile a whole lot because you care, and you're a real nice guy. :D Thanks for asking me to take care and rest well...
Oh, Rachit too. ^^

Oh lastly, Jerald. Sunday was good because you were there. You made me laugh like xyz, and I felt a whole lot better though I was beat when I reached home. Thank you.

So many people who care... I love you guys. :D

Aye shit.

2008-04-18T15:14:00.004+08:00

Aye shit.

I feel like deleting all my previous posts. Haha. :D Yeah, JY will smile and face the freaking days of suanning. Yeah JY is ugly and unfeminine and loud.

I've had enough of yesterday, now I'm taking off;

I guess now, I can only choose to believe in what Amelia has told me. Well, what else is there to argue about? Laughs. JY has been exceedingly silly. :}

But yes, thank you all the lovely sweethearts who replied me immediately after I messaged OK! :D You guys are the best best best best best. 'Cus it helped a lot luh, with you guys by my side. :D

I'm finally getting closure, I guess it's finally over

Yes, it is! :D

Sean Foo is super mean t me luh, I HAVE NO SCANDALS LUH! Tsk. And I'm pretty in my pink dress. HAHA.

Ah, random much.

SO FINE I'LL BLOG ABOUT YOU.
Sandra is pretty girl and smart but has sucky English.
Jiexi is sweet and has nice braces but is annoyingly disgusting 'cus she keeps texting in front of me when I'm talking t her.

HAHAHA. OK BIMBS?!

Oh, cheer up Bimbo Quek. Like how you'll always be there for me, I'll always be here for you! :D

Byebyeeeeeeeeee. JY will be MIA OK! A FEW DAYS T BOUNCE BACK.

AND MERV IF YOU EVER SEE THIS PLEASE RMBR YOU HAVE A FRIEND CALLED CHENG JIAYING. Tsk.

Bye.

/edit:
I'm sorry if talking to Sean Foo today irked you, because I know you turned around and rolled your eyes at me. Sorry then, I won't talk to him already 'kay! :D

Byebye, world.

Enough.

2008-04-17T22:18:00.000+08:00

OK.

No more emo posts. I shall not stress you, like what others say.

I'm not going to blog anymore about it, nor talk about it. Set?

Please ignore my previous posts! :D
It is, after all, my place t speak.

Sick.

2008-04-17T20:02:00.002+08:00

I'm sick of all these shit, yet I can't let it go.

They say now you're trying, but then I'm not trying. I'm trying too. Or else I wouldn't even bother contacting you.

What's up about your freaking PM man.

What if I put in all that effort, and end up with nothing? They told me to cast away my girl pride and do something about it. And I did.

And you suck, big time.

Now I don't even know what I want from you, because I don't know what I can expect from you anymore. Sometimes I feel we're getting better, sometimes you just make me feel plain shit.

And I like the feeling of lying on the football field watching the skies in the evening at school. :}

And please make a decision. I know I have to make one too.

Sigh. Why did liking and loving someone turn out to be such a chore, instead of having a happy feeling?

Ah crap. Homework and council. Bye.

IDK, IDK

2008-04-16T19:00:00.004+08:00

I don't know, I don't know luh. I don't know what else to say. I suddenly realized I don't know what I want.

Eunice's chocolate bar yesterday cheered me up x 1000, thanks my dearest bimbo, I'm glad we talked too. :D

It was supposed to be a good thing yesterday, isn't it, but now I don't know how to react anymore. AIYAH I DON'T KNOW LUH. This is crazy. I need to focus on my studies.

I hope today's match went well.

And I know I don't have any more chunky blog posts anymore. Well, seems like I can never find the time, energy and stuff to blog about anymore.

There was devotion in the morning today, and we ended late - the TPJCians were already singing when we got there. :/ But nevertheless, I hope our CG can speak up more. :( It was getting a little dreary inside...

Ah crap. It's getting tiring, isn't it? I don't know how much gold eat to put in anymore. Oh crap.

And I'm really tired these days. Like, really tired. I don't know how long I can continue like this. And I'm sorry I was in a bad mood most of today, really. :/ Sorry A04!

JY NEEDS A BREAK AND A SHOULDER T LEAN ON.
See luh, I'm feeling the sting now that there's no more Merv! :( He's there luh, I'm sure he is, but we've all moved on, and I'm no more the irritating friend that can bug him for 24/7. He's no more the same guy, whom I can message whenever, wherever, just for comfort, and he will reply (most of the time), him having a girl means I can never talk to him the same way again, lest I'm too close for comfort. But I miss him luh, TWO.FIVE YEARS OK! See luh, tell you you will abandon me when you have a girlfriend already. Tsk.

Dedicated one paragraph to him, HAHAHA.

Gotta go do Economics.

Hubby Angela (because Laogong sounds so freaking ahlianic), cheer up OK. Don't let them get you down. 'Cus you'll always be my hubby and I love you when you sway when you eat. :D HAHA. Wei lao xian shuai all right. :} We'll work hard together and we'll get through this year aight. And I love your Delfi Mints :D

Bimbo Girlfrs, I miss you guys crazy. Sandra, I left seven pictures for you t take with me on my Vivitar luh! The rest went t nonsensical taking. Tsk. :(

If you see my girl, tell her that I miss her smile. :}

Steffi's emoshit. LAUGHS.
I'm slowly getting closure, I guess it's finally over.

Well.

2008-04-15T20:14:00.003+08:00

Well.

Talked to Chuan today, so intrigued! Tell me! :D They're actually real nice people, just that I can't communicate with Roo Kiat, I didn't do anything to him, he started it. But yes, anyway.

I digress.

I'm tired of this struggle. Yeah, I keep asking her to give up and be strong, but what am I man, what am I. I get toyed by this guy, and then another guy comes to make use of me to, I don't know, be his back-up or something. Gosh. Should I be flattered? Zzz much.

Now I don't know what to do with you anymore. I've tried my best.

I've got so much stuff I know I should do, but you keep running through my mind. Distractions much.

Wherever you go, I will be waiting
Wherever you call, I will be there
Whatever ut takes, I'll make your darkest days all bright,
I'm in your heart tonight.

JY's Tired.

2008-04-14T22:54:00.002+08:00

I know you guys are worried for me, but don't worry, don't worry. From the first day he talked to me, I've kept my distance from him. Because I know I know I know I shouldn't judge from what I hear, but I just can't find myself trusting him totally. But he's a nice person to talk to! :D

Anyway, I'm dead tired.

I want to be ahead of schedule.

And it's God's will, I believe, that I didn't get chosen as Secretary. I'm glad I got to the top few or something, but I know in my heart God didn't want it to be. I think Maddy's right, I'd be dead stressed in Ex-Co. But I can be something else! :D

Great escape :D I wanna join dance!

2008-04-13T22:24:00.002+08:00

I don't know how to play the drop-hints thing. I'm always cool about it no matter what you might say to me. I don't know how to play jealous, how to play feminine and shit.

But you can be a little dumber. Of all the hints other people dropped for you. And if I'm any more explicit I'm not a girl anymore.

Because whatever you're gonna ask me, well, you're not going to get a straight answer. Yes I'm boycrazy and I like so many guys. So be it. You know what, I don't really care anymore.

Because all of a sudden I'm tired of trying. Trying to make you feel that although I don't know how to drop hints and play hard-to-get, I care for you more. Trying to make you feel that I make the effort to talk to you more. Trying to make you feel that I'm trying to see if I'm really liking you or do I really have an issue with having a guy being there all the time.

Forget it, we're not getting anywhere.
I'm giving this up before it even starts. Before it starts to hurt.

Because I'm never going to confess that I do like you a little, I'm never going to confess because I'm a traditional woman and I believe my potential boyfriends have to do the talking.

And I'm going to wait for someone who's willing to do that, is hopefully Christian, and has a lot more courage than you do. One who likes me for being me, and not doubt me because of my boycraziness. But understand that deep down I'm just boycrazy because I want to cover up so many of my insecurities, let people laugh.

Because I'm loud, I know. I'm not your conventional kinda girl. I do what I like. And I like making people happy.

Bye, I was a fool! :D
I'm a lesbian!